Thursday, April 16, 2009

'80s WWF Wrestlers

I'm a professional wrestler. When I got hit in the head the other day with a flying elbow drop, I lost a good portion of my memory. Now I must watch a lot of tapes from the 1980s to recapture my love of the sport. Who were the best WWF wrestlers? - Joshua (Lock Haven, PA)

List Generated:

-The Russian Nuke

-Captain Tugboat

-The Hawaii Brothers*

-Scrappy Doug Andrewson

-Baby Bok Choy

-Whip Crackers*

-Al Bino

-The Yankee Doodle Man

-Poised Peter

-Red Leprechaun


* - Tag Team

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Cracker Barrel Gift Shop Items

Every Sunday I run down to the Cracker Barrel and order me up a Uncle Herschel’s Favorite® breakfast. Afterwards, I like to peruse the knickknacks and such at the gift shop. Typically, my journeys take me directly to the candy jars and I don't get to see what else they have there. So, what else do they have there? - Herbert (Wisconsin Dells, WI)

List Generated:

-Dolly Parton Salad Plate Collection

-Wire Panda Statue

-Chocolate Hen Cage


-Country Quilt Shirts

-Wood Dust Candles

-"Deal With It or Deal With Me" T-shirt

-Auntie Babs's Assorted Fancy Jams

-Singing Table Rabbit

-Old Fashioned Sodie

-Duck Hats

Things To Check For Before Moving Into A House Built Atop A Dormant Volcano

My wife and I just had our second child and we need to move into a larger house. Luckily, we found this amazing deal where the developer sealed up the business end of a dormant volcano with cement and then built a beautiful three-bedroom house on top of it. The price is certainly right, but can you think of any reasons why we shouldn't move into it? Can you get back to me soon, I understand there's another couple interested. - Forest (Mauna Kea, HI)

List Generated:

-Before signing that lease, make sure the volcano is actually a volcano and not a mudcano. Nobody wants to live atop a mudcano, dormant or not.

-Visit the house at night, just to get a better sense of how safe the neighborhood is.

-Be sure the developer didn't originally seal the volcano with concrete for the purpose of trapping a demon or some other evil spirit.

-Check for hot floors regularly.

-Make sure your children's school has a bus that can drive up the side of a dormant volcano.

-If something is too good to be true, it might just be. Find out why the price is so low.

-Dormant volcanoes are mother earth's dried up tear ducts. Never forget that.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Meat Loaf Tribute Bands

Me and my friends love to rock nonstop to Meat Loaf, so we're taking it one step further and bringing our passion to the people, tribute band style. Anyways, most of the good ML trib names are taken, will you help us out with some 'gestions? - Roy (Punxsutawney, PA)

List Generated:

-The Little Loaves

-The Words You Took Right Out Our Mouths

-Bats Out of Loaf

-The Flying Loafcycles

-Meat Loaf Jrs.

-Bastard Sons of Marvin Lee Aday

-Our Name Is Robert Paulson

-Loaf Zeppelin*

* - Also a Led Zeppelin tribute band

Rarely Used Fonts

I'm writing an essay for my European History class and I really want it to pop off of the page, so I figured I'd use a font my Prof won't see coming. What are some sweet fonts that most people don't use? - Katie (Clifton, TX)

List Generated:

-Illegible Script Condensed

-Judas Kitten

-Bold & Fat

-Typewriter With Broken R Key

-Times New Spartan

-Creepy Satan Worshipy Letters MT

-Ye Olde English Fonte

-Arrows & Pointy Fingers

-Helvetica Jr.

-Undifferentiated Squares Bitmap

-Confused Orphan

Chapters In A Book Entitled 'In A Perfect World...'

I'm writing a book entitled: 'In A Perfect World...' In it, I talk about all the things that I think the world should do without. While I'm never short of an unpopular opinion on a subject, I don't really know where to start when it comes to organizing my thoughts. I think it'd help if you could give me chapter titles, then I can just riff, Dennis Miller style. - Ryan (Core City, MI)

List Generated:

-Introduction: So You Thought The World Was Perfect? I Have Some Disappointing News...

-The Importance Of Abolishing Soda

-7 Reasons Not To Use Plastic Cups

-7 More Reasons Not To Use Plastic Cups

-Physical "Education"

-A Few Things You Should Know Before Eating Meat

-People Should Use Bicycles Instead Cars

-All Veggie Burgers Should Be Square

-Sports: How They Distract Us From What's Really Important

-Why We're Better Off Without Pandas

-1991-1995, The Only Years In Music That Matter

-Your Cellphone Is A Digital Leash

-Conclusion: I Told You The World Wasn't Perfect

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Steven Seagal Movies

I am an expert in the field of Human Dynamics and I happened to watch the film "Above The Law" on the television this evening. I must say, I have never seen an individual run like that before. I'd like to see more footage of this Steven Seagal so that I may study this peculiar motion. Can you suggest some more of his films? Preferably with revenge plots. - Hubert (Bogalusa, LA)

List Generated:

-Beg To Differ

-Of Solid Honor

-Out For Bounty

-Snows That Bleed

-Death Matters

-Quarter Till Vengeance

-All's Not Quiet

-Eskimo Sunset

Monday, April 6, 2009

Bath & Bodyworks Aroma Therapy Candles

Whenever I'm feeling down or just not like myself, I spark up a fat Bath & Bodyworks aroma therapy candle and then just chill out or whatever. The thing is, when you're at the B&B, you can't exactly test out their candles. Sure, you can smell them unlit and all, but that's just not the same and you know it. What are the best smelling candles that will relax me? - Rick (Green River, WY)

List Generated:

-Comfortable Watermelon

-Angel's Wing

-Rainkissed Pillow

-Lethargic Vanilla Bunny

-Honey Mantra

-Goodnight Nurse

-Zest of Meatball

-Cocoa Pebble Leaf

-Uncontrollable Laughter

-Sleepy Fingers

-Blood Thirst

Friday, April 3, 2009

Jazz Musician Nicknames

I'm going to this jazz club tonight where there are a lot of hep cats who really know their stuff. I'm pretty new to jazz in many respects, and don't always know who they're talking about once the jazz conversations start going down. Can you clue me in? - Donald (Hilton Head Island, SC)

List Generated:

-"Blow" Davis (Miles Davis)

-"Professor Magic Fingers" Monk (Thelonius Monk)

-"Bass Hand" Mingus (Charles Mingus)

-"Crazy Cheeks" (Louis Armstrong)

-"Fe-Robocop" (Billie Holiday)

-"Assemblyman" Coltrane (John Coltrane)

-"Dave" Brubeck (Dave Brubeck)

-"Tonight Show" Eubanks (Kevin Eubanks)

-"Gold Man Sax" (Bird Parker)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

14th Century Sneeze Responses

My daughter has a very bad cold and is constantly sneezing. No matter how many times me and my wife say "Bless you," it seems to do nothing to make her better. I understand that our 14th-century ancestors cured the sniffles with different responses; can you please tell me what they were so that our daughter can be saved? - Zachariah (Nampa, ID)

List Generated:

-Do not threaten me witch.

-Thou fakes a demon expulsion for our lord's sympathy!

-I know your secrets now!

-Cleanliness. Purity. Cleanliness.

-Brapples thou?

-Beware! You've released the jackrabbit's soul!

-Then it is settled.

-So the mentalist can speak! I was beginning to worry.

-Mos Bless.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Office April Fools' Day Pranks

Every single year I find myself on the wrong side of office April Fools' Day pranks. This year, however, I vow to be the one who's doing the fooling! Can you suggest some solid never-fail office pranks? - Vicky (Provo, UT)

List Generated:

-Convince everyone in your office's chin-up contest that it's actually a pull-up contest. Then, just as time runs out, yell "it actually was a chin-up contest, April Fools!"

-Pour Dr. Pepper all over your cubicle neighbor's keyboard, it'll make the keys stick to her fingers!

-Make your co-worker's cereal magically float out of the bowl while he's alone, but when someone comes into the room have it crash to the ground. He'll think he's going crazy and no one will believe him when he tries to explain what happened!

-While the office mother sparrow is sleeping, gently lift her up and steal her eggs. When she starts to freak out, explain to her the custom of April Fools' Day in terms a sparrow would understand!

-Get to work early and re-route the back-siphon to a copper indirect tank. Later in the day, when no one's looking, channel the UPVC through a down pipe header and put an extra clamp on the basin cistern!

-Throw a banana peel in front of the portly janitor carrying a tall, wobbly stack of pies!

-Find out which of your co-workers has a crippling fear of the apocalypse. Next, set up a rear projection system outside her window. Then, play footage of a nuclear bomb going off in the distance. Sit back and laugh as she totally freaks out!

-Switch the "Pull" and "Push" signs on your office building's fire escapes, (don't forget to switch them back on April 2nd or else you can get in trouble!)!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I'm almost done achieving my B.S. in meteorology at the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology and then it's off into the highly competitive world of meteorology. My mentor says that the quickest way to become a working meteorologist is to have a catchy name. Can you suggest some please? - Joe (Rapid City, SD)

List Generated:

-Rip N. Thunders

-Carl Cumulus

-Amber Prophesy

-Froggy Hoppers

-Friendly Skyhumper

-Sunder Storms

-Aaron Accutemperature

-Sorceress Marge

-Mos Bless

Monday, March 30, 2009

Job Interview Follow Up Tips

Just got back from a job interview and I think it went pretty well. I want to stay on their radar without appearing too desperate, do you have any good tips? - Abigail (Gromore, WA)

List Generated:

-Send over a nice basket of kittens with a card thanking them for considering you for the job.

-Make polite follow up calls once a week for two years whether the position has been filled or not.

-Photoshop yourself onto the cover of Time Magazine with the headline "Your Future Employee!" and slip it into your prospective employer's mail.

-If it's been over a month and you still haven't been given an answer, stand outside of the office building on a rainy night screaming "COWARDS!" School Ties style.

-Follow the person who interviewed you around for a couple of days and "coincidentally" bump into them several times. They'll think it's a sign to hire you.

-Casually mention to the company's receptionist that there is a bidding war heating up over you.

-If you find out you didn't get the job, it's never a bad idea to have your mother put in one last call on your behalf.

-Interview for the job with as many of your alter egos as possible. It's a numbers game.

-Always send a "You're Welcome" note.

Hair Gel Brands

I have a blind date tonight that a friend set me up on. I don't usually wear hair gel, but according to my friend, this girl likes guys with gel hair. I figure, what the heck, let's try something new! What are some of the best brands of hair gel? - Jerry (San Angelo, TX)

List Generated:

-Megatrix Power Hold

-Metal Skull

-Power Tips

-Nestlé Hair Crunchables

-Hair Czar

-Evil Spike

-Locks Locker

-Bench Press

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Aggressive Map Websites

I just moved to a new town and I don't know how to get anywhere around here. Before you ask, yes, I know what Google Maps is, but I'm not satisfied with that interface. It's not aggressive enough. I need a map website that's gonna call me out on my bullshit once in a while. - Benjamin (Havelock, NC)

List Generated:

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Songs Of The Roaring '20s

I heard a great song on the 1920s station on my satellite radio (The Roar), but by the time I looked at the satellite display, the song was over and I missed the title! Would you mind telling me some of the more popular tunes from that era? Maybe I can track it down that way. - Emma (Sugarville, UT)

List Generated:

-Stock Market Is A Boomin' (Knock On Wood, Knock On Wood) - Fancy Dave Wiemer & His Orchestra

-I'll Be Your Snugglepup (If You'll Be My Tomato) - Grubsteak Kippy & His Orchestra

-(I Love You For Your) Chin-Length Bobbed Haircut - Charlie Charleston & His Orchestra

-Never Won't Be Rich Rag - Flip Flapper & His Orchestra

-Perfect Life (No Foreseeable Troubles On The Horizon) - Foxtrot Hudson & His Orchestra

-Say Mr. Bootlegger (Pour Me Some Of That Noodle Juice) - Ankles Kimberly & His Orchestra

-Look At That GPD Line Climb Flap - Herbert Hoover & His Orchestra

-The Sun Also Swings - Calvin Whangdoodle & His Orchestra

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Step Stools

I'm in the market for a new step stool, but there's so many dang fancy new step stools, I just want to give up already! Can you help an old lady find a nice quality step stool so she can reach the fabric softener above the ice box? - Milly (Liberal, KS)

List Generated:

-Sir Steppy

-GE Scouter*

-Gillette Mach3 Stulesion


-GE Lil' Brother*

-Butterfly of Death Stool

-Mr. Pigeon**

-The Hot Stepper


* - Streams a video feed directly to General Electric

** - Streams a video feed directly to Citigroup

*** - Part instrument, part stool and part artwork, this stool's innovative controls allow anyone to create unique ambient melodies by simply stepping on the stool.

Why Owls Hate You

My family has this amazing log cabin in the woods. It's just a wonderful, invigorating feeling to be out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nature. Except for the owls, which seem to hate me. Why do owls hate me? - Jeremy (Ishpeming, MI)

List Generated:

-You are diurnal.

-You can move your eyes without moving your head.

-You dress kind of boring.

-You can say more than one word.

-You don't contemplate the cosmos or your place in it.

-You don't have piercing black eyes that see right through the flesh, to a man's soul.

-You refuse to swivel your head all the way around, owl style.

-You tend to over explain things.

-You hunt owls.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Things Russian Comedians Say When Doing Impressions Of Blustery Obese Americans

Good evening, I'm Russian comedian working on impressionation of big Americans. Please give me guide in helping me confirm my jokes. I appreciate your. - Vladimir (город Истра, Russian Federation)

List Generated:

-Hot dog sour cream banana, health fitness tomato sauce President.

-Soccer soccer baseball home run.

-Hair gel money Nacho Cheese seat belts.

-Buy low sell high, thunderstorm Nintendo power glove.

-New York Yankees RV Camper Las Vegas wildlife Big Mac.

-Ronald Reagan Jimi Hendrix therapy Berlin Wall.

-Mood Music hello goodbye Miller Lite.

-Dollar dollar hot dog stuffing Thanksgiving.

-Camaro Hummer beach surf board Vin Deisel pretzels The Gap.

-Cheerio bangers and mash trisket meat pie.

-Cookie cookie cookie.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

SXSW Twitter Updates

Me and some friends are making a road trip to Austin for SXSW and we're pumped. I really want to show my friends who couldn't go how much amazing stuff they are missing, so I'm going to update my every experience on Twitter. What should I tweet to maximize their jealousy? - Osborne (North Stephentown, NY)

List Generated:

-Just got my big bag and directories!! Off to Beacon Lounge for free breakfast and an acoustic Big Boi set, should be SWEET.

-Dan Deacon sighting #4 of the day, I think he's following me! And now to eat ANOTHER pulled pork sandwich...

-hahahahaHAHAHAHAHahhahaha, YACHT's got us doing the hokey pokey, so much fun

-Best panel of SX so far: Electropop's Evolution In The Age Of Global Warming Really eye opening.

-No BRITT DANIEL!!! you CAN'T walk up and stand right in front of me at the {{{SUNSET}}} show!!!! BOOOOO!! ok fine

-Free Miller High Life @ the ZUNE TENT, hurrrrrrryyyyyyy!!!!

-Ummmm, impromptu Bon Iver show at Burger King? Yes. That's. Happening. Right. NOW! (PICS TO COME!!!!)

-New fav SXSW moment: dude from Dirty Projectors eating a rib in between songs!! LOLhahahaahAHA

-Just caught the end of Sia's set at the Pig Trough, fuckin' sickmazing.

-I NEED REST!!! But I'm going to go to the American Apparel par-tay insteads 8D

-Didn't anyone tell Peter, Bjorn & John it's not last year?

-Sébastien Tellier just did a keg stand. If anyone's wondering: 12 seconds

-The fat lady's singing (not literally, it's actually Bat For Lashes) Heading home from a magical weekend :(

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

James Bond Movies

My brother just became a Buddhist and gave me his entire DVD collection, which is great for me. Problem is, there are more DVDs than what I have space for in my apartment, so I have to get rid of some of them. Which James Bond movies do you think I should keep? - Alvin (Rupert, WV)

List Generated:

-Permission To Die

-You Are What You Kill

-To Have and To Gold

-The Shepard's Spy

-Dr. Face

-James Bond & Felix Leiter Meet Frankenstein

-A Penny Saved, A Penny Burned

-Let Sleeping Dogs Die


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Australian Lingo

I'm going on a trip to Australia soon and I hope to mix it up with the locals a bit. Just want to know if there are any words or phrases I should be aware of? - Noah (Johnstown, PA)

List Generated:

-aPhone - Australian version of the Motorola Razr V3

-Roohead - Someone who has a kangaroo head for a head.

-High Raiser - To successfully drop kick a tall tourist.

-Aussicopter - Any of a class of heavier-than-air craft that are lifted and sustained in the air horizontally by rotating wings or blades turning on vertical axes fueled by koala blood.

-Gar Gar - When one puts another shrimp onto an already shrimp laden barby.

-Tasmanian Angel - A wild and crazy animal that uses it's ability to spin extremely fast in order to reconstruct ravaged forests.

-Walter Cronkite - A drink consisting of 1 part lemonade and 2 parts ocean water popularized by the famous Australian weatherman Walter Cronkite.

-Muzzi Umphca - To travel by dingo.

-Monday - Sunday

Monday, March 16, 2009

Birthday Gifts For Your Best Friend's New Girlfriend

My best friend invited me to his new girlfriend's birthday party and I sort of feel obligated to get her a gift. Should I get her a gift? I don't know. It just seems weird. I figure it best just to error on the safe side and get her something. What gifts do you think would be a appropriate? - Jerry (Huntsville, AL)

List Generated:

-A Pregnant Cat

-Metal Detector

-2-year subscription to Stuff

-Day-pass to Emeril Lagasse's Carrot Ranch & "Spa"

-House Salad (no tomatoes, Balsamic Vinaigrette on the side please)

-A poem about her entitled Your Eyes Are Like Blue Chocolate

-Pineapple Hat

-Air Mall™ Catalog

-Father of the Bride on Blu-ray


Friday, March 13, 2009

Family Friendly Improv Troops

My comedy loving family and I are going to be going to Chicago soon and we hear that the city is rich with talented improvised comedy troops. I did some research online and there's so many I don't know where to start! Can you list some of the family friendly ones we should check out? - Alex (Idaho Falls, ID)

List Generated:

-Hamsters On Ice!

-The Arnold Improvanators!

-Fun Intended!

-Improvolley For Serve!

-Attack Of The Fifty Foot Waffles!

-Pickles On Roller Skates!

-Watermelon Cookies!

-The Comedafunnies!

-Funk In The Trunk!

-For Unlawful Comedy Knowledge!

-Robots On Water Skies!

-Douche Bags!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Pre-Civilization Barbarian Warlords

I have to write a stupid essay about olden times, when people ate raw meat with their bare hands and dueled with big sticks and stuff. One of the paragraphs has to be about the role that barbarian warlords played in the lives of people and stuff, but I can't find any good information on those guys. So what are some warlords? - Chase (Mammoth, AZ)

List Generated:

-Goblet The Pillager Of Flames

-Logan Beast Tooth

-Doctor Blood Throat*

-King Ostrich

-Chaaazzz The Ruler

-•ªª¶§•∞˙∆©©∂´ The Mentalist*


-Thomas of Hanks

-DJ Dystopian Noah's Arc*


* - Post-Civilization Barbarian Warlord

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Causes Of Traffic

Often when I'm sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I find myself wondering what the cause is. I just don't get it sometimes. Can you tell me what the main causes of traffic are just so I can have a mental image next time I'm in the midst of it? - Theodore (Duck Hill, MS)

List Generated:

-Fender benders caused by people looking for their bluetooth earpiece between the seats.

-Guys who look like Joe Pesci fixing flat tires.

-Stupid orange cones.

-Hackers who hack into the system and hack up the traffic Live Free or Die Hard style.

-Roadside trampoline shows.

-People breaking too much while eating ribs.

-Out of control monster trucks.

-T = 2m·v-(rm·ω)(2m·p)−1·2IωL


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Generic Sodas

The economy is lousy right now and I'm trying to cut costs wherever I can, which means no more fancy name brand sodas for me and the family. Trouble with switching to generic soda is that some of them are really terrible, can you tell me which ones to steer clear of? - Bess (Pipestone, MN)

List Generated:

-Sir Pibber

-Ruby Real Cherry

-Magic Bubble

-Lightning Dew

-Sharp Tooth

-Fizzy Ale

-Orange Avenue


Monday, March 9, 2009

Ford Truck Models

Even though I don't really need it and mother earth is dying because of people like me, I really really want a truck! And not just like a regular truck, like a crazy truck that requires passersby to guide me into a parking spot. Also, I only want a truck that is build Ford tough, so what Ford trucks would you recommend? - Virginia (Malibu, CA)

List Generated:

-Devil Whale



-Mud Tornado

-Dragon Breath

-Jeep Eater




Affordable Seafood Restaurants

I'm on a diet that requires me to eat only fish for the next five months and to be honest, I've never really been a fish person. I've been eating at Red Lobster all month because it's pretty cheap and they have many fish options there, can you suggest some more places along this line? - Mitch (Murrells Inlet, SC)

List Generated:

-Fish Bone Depot

-The Lonely Mermaid*

-Gross Oyster Supper Club

-The Crust Station

-Crab Pier

-Crawdaddio's Maritime Eatery

-The Mollusk's Tufted Gills*

-Seafood Restaurant

* - Also a strip club

Thursday, March 5, 2009

'60s Textbooks

I'm a set designer for a new sitcom that takes place in the
Berkeley Student Bookstore circa 1969, and I need to get my hands on a bunch of textbooks from the '60s. Can you tell me what some of the more widely published titles were? - Anna (Blue Mound, IL)

List Generated:

-A Journey Into Hippie Math

-Psychedelic Research Methods (3rd Edition)

-Statistics in the Age of Aquarius

-Wavy Gravonomics: Business Strategy In The Cosmic Giggle

-Student Pocket Helper: A Guide To Turning On, Tuning In and Dropping Ineffective Study Habits

-The New Oxford Triptionary

-Lucy In The Sky With An Introduction To Basic Algebraic Diamond Equations

-Making Acid

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Knife Games

I've been running my biker bar, Archie's Sawdust Tavern, for 10 or so years, and lately business has been on the down slope. I figure the solution is to introduce some new knife games to the regulars and hope that they spread the word that Archie's has the best knife games around. I just know old ones, but if you could suggest some knew ones, I won't hunt you down and dismantle you piece by piece. - Archie (Scottsbluff, NE)

List Generated:

-Knuckle Cuts


-Taunt The One-Armed Knifer

-Duck Duck Knife


-Blind Butcher

-The Lonesome Knife

-Butterfly Showdown

-Luck of the Swiss


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Ways To Conserve Water

California is in the midst of an all out drought right now which means the price of water is most likely going to start going up. I want to do my part to conserve water, what are some easy ways I can cut down on my water consumption? - Andy (Kerman, CA)

List Generated:

-If you're feeling thirsty, chew some juicy bubble gum.

-Hand wash dishes with scolding hot water, it'll force you to hurry up.

-Bath your dog in Dr. Pepper, there's plenty of that.

-Just fill the shallow end of your swimming pool.

-When a recipe calls for water, ignore that part.

-Use one of those crappy sprinklers where the water barely dribbles out.

-When someone washes their hands in your home, stand a few feet away with your arms folded, shaking your head disapprovingly.

-Use less water.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Unique Baby Names

I'm due to have my baby in two months and my husband and I have yet to settle on a name. We both want something unique so that he or she gets extra attention in life. Can you suggest some baby names that are sure to turn heads? - Reba (Snow Hill, NC)

List Generated:




-Wood Demon


-Moon Patriot






Friday, February 27, 2009

Things Personal Trainers Yell

I'm a rookie Personal Trainer and I've been told the best way to motivate people is to yell at them. But I don't want to just yell any random thing, so I thought it best to consult with you in this matter. What's the best thing to yell at people to get them to do more physical training even though they're tired and want to give up? Drink Gatorade. - Terrance (Lewiston, ID)

List Generated:


-Harness your inner core circle!

-Pretend I'm a bear and I'm chasing you!

-I know I'm yelling, but that's just because it's loud in here!

-Have you heard the new Belle & Sebastian EP? It's a little more lively than their older stuff! That said! They'll never top If You're Feeling Sinister!

-I'll be right back!

-Peanut Butter! Jelly! Peanut Butter! Jelly!

-That row machine isn't going to row itself, give me six more rows!

-I'm motivating you!

-Can I borrow six dollars?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Obscure Music Sub-Genres

I'm so sick of all the regular music in my Winamp library, it's all so easily classified, ya know? Are there any cool sub-genres you can refer to me so I can start my quest into stuff no one's ever heard of? - Winnie (Polk City, IA)

List Generated:

-Cookie Gaze

-Storage Unit Rock

-Folkcore Zydeco


-Jock Jazz



-Silly Metal

-Acid World

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Independently Owned Motels

My fiancée and I are going on a cross country trip soon. Our plan is to sort of play it by ear and not stick to any kind of strict schedule, which means we'll be staying in a lot of motels. Aside from the major chains, what are some of the more trustworthy establishments? - Preston (Port Angeles, WA)

List Generated:

-Superb 8

-Harry's House of Lodge

-Fan-C Beds Elegant Roadside Manner

-Dragon Rooster Motor Lot

-Motel Flickering M

-Razzle & Dazzle Inn


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Pho Restaurants

I'm opening up a new Pho restaurant and noticed that most of the other Pho restaurants in the neighborhood tend to work the word Pho creatively into their names, (i.e. Photastic Pho). A lot of the good Pho names are already taken, can you provide me a list of some available ones? - Tammy (Princess Anne, MD)

List Generated:


-Campus Pholice


-Pho Money, Pho Problems

-Poisonous Phobra



-Pho Pho Gadget Umbrella Hat

-Phopher Grace


Monday, February 23, 2009

Common Recurring Nightmares

Ever since I was little kid, I've had these recurring nightmares. I've always wondered if they were specific to me, or if other people got these too. Can you tell me some common recurring nightmares that people have? - Ronald (Goose Creek, SC)

List Generated:

-Mall security guard accuses you of stealing from Sunglass Hut even though you paid for sunglasses.

-Mother forces you to eat an entire chocolate cake while gym teacher forces you to do hundreds of pull ups.

-No matter what you do, helicopter won't start.

-Your home internet is going really slow, so all your teeth fall out.

-Salesman at Sunglass Hut turns into a cobra and bites your hand, forcing you to drop stolen sunglasses.

-You're the only person wearing a powder blue tuxedo at a ruby red tuxedo party.

-Fish monsters sitting at table next to you in the library won't shut up.

-Lettuce on ever growing sandwich is pretty soggy.

-Swimming from shark who's teeth are made out of stolen sunglasses.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Books About Making Independent Films

I've written this amazing film about a guy who works in a motel and lives in a competing motel and now I want to make it! There's a lot of books out there that supposedly have the answers to all of my big questions (raising money, how to be artistic, distribution, etc.). Which books will be most helpful? - Wilbur (Maynardville, TN)

List Generated:

-Be An Indie Film Rebel: Harnessing Your Heart's Rebel To Make An Indie Flick

-Take This Film and Shove/Sell It: The Rebel Producer's Guidebook

-A Camera, A Bleeding Heart & A Little Luck: Get Your Indie Film Made For A Dollar A Day

-Go Ahead, Make My Film: Stick It To The Man With These Rebellious Low Budget Filmmaking Techniques

-Learn From My Mistakes: A Filmmaker's Guide By Someone Who Never Got His Film Made :(

-Maverick's Guide To Making Your Film While Remaining True To Your Inner Rebel

-Budget Film Rebel's Chaperone

-Film Insurgent: Crashing The Hollywood Party With Your Dream Film

-The P.F.R. (Pocket Film Rebel)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

'70s Cop Shows

I grew up on a US army base in Germany and as a result I missed out on '70s pop culture completely. Right now I'm on a big cop show kick, are there any '70s cop shows you can recommend? - Jason (Fishers, IN)

List Generator:

-Jabrowski & Mitchelowski

-Frisco Brass


-Horse Policeman

-Saint & Lewis

-D.I.S.C.O. Narcs

-Madame Cop

-Turkin & Babbit


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Things Suddenly Self Aware Ants Say To Regular Ants

From what I understand, ants are pretty stupid as individuals, but impressively intelligent as a collective. I guess it's called "bottom up" or "emergence" intelligence. Whatever. My question is: If and when one of these ants suddenly becomes self aware of his/her situation, what will he/she try to tell the other ants? - Susan (Olivet, MI)

List Generated:

-Instead of carrying this tiny piece of hot dog bun back to the mound, let's just take it somewhere else and we can totally scarf on it and not do any work for the rest of our 60-90 day lives.

-I hate that big sneaker that ruins all of our hard work.

-Sometimes I feel like being able to carry 10-20 times my own weight is more of a curse than a blessing.

-Have you found Ant-Jesus?

-What do you like building more, tunnels or mounds? I'm more of a mound guy.

-Have you read Emergence by Steven Johnson? There's absolutely nothing in there about some ants becoming self aware, looks like our secret is safe... for now.

-Do we sleep?

-I wish some of you other ants were self aware, it's kind of lame being the only one.

-I'm in the mood for hot dog bun.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Nicknames For Wades

Typically guys with the name Wade don't have nicknames for some reason. Maybe because it's one symbol already or something, I don't know. It's not really a big deal or anything, but I really want a nickname. If you were to give me a nickname what would it be? - Wade (Wade, MO)

List Generated:

-LL Cool Wade


-Wade Froggs

-Double Dribble**

-Wade of Honor

-Water Walker

-Wade Misérables

-Hand Grenade Wade

-Milky Wade*

-Lamp Shwade


* - If Wade has an interest in space.

** - If Wade plays a lot of basketball.

Business Letter Closings

I am so sick of writing "Regards" or "All the best" at the end of my business letters and emails; those are so played out! There must be more exciting terms, but I just have no idea what they are. Can you help me out? - Joshua (Blanding, UT)

List Generated:

-Rest in peace,

-Always in your prayers,

-Hang on... I have to take this,

-You owe me,

-God bless the United States of America and protect her from her enemies,

-Bounce pass,

-With measured respect,

-These pills are kicking in,


Friday, February 13, 2009

New ABC Shows

I love my ABC programs, but I'm starting to get tired of some of them. I think it's time to swap out some of the old for some of the new. I can usually tell which shows I'll enjoy by reading the title, so can you share with me the titles of the new shows? - Maud (Middlebury, VT)

List Generated:

-Time Stands Phil

-Eating, Drinking and Being Mary

-Manny Issues

-Darwin's Evolution

-Impressionistic Arthur

-Mustang Sally

-Steve Unrepentant

-Deja Vuronica

-Mary Christmas


Wednesday, February 11, 2009


I recently began shaving my face regularly and I feel like it's time to buy one of those sleek razors they have at the pharmacy. There's a ton of different types and I was hoping you could help me focus down my search if it's not too much trouble. No rush or anything. - Henderson (Tupelo, MS)

List Generated:

-Schick TriMp3

-Absolute Zerofier

-XtraSmooth Thunderbolt

-Bounty Hairer Taker Outter

-Dual Edge SubPlucker

-HyperBlader Silky Glide

-Platinum Prune2


-Gillette Diez

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Student Film Endings

My Film Tech teacher says the most important part of any film is the ending, but I'm afraid that is the part I am having the most trouble with. Can you suggest some possible endings to my first student film please? - Ray (Yakima, WA)

List Generator:

-Girl realizes that the girl she has been suffocating with a pillow is actually... herself.

-Homeless man takes off his ratty coat revealing he's actually a nicely dressed business man.

-Guy overdoses.

-A couple seconds after the girl is sucked into the computer, another girl sits down at the computer and the words "Hello Lisa" appear on the monitor, implying that the whole process is about to go down again.

-Man realizes that he is the homeless man that warned him at the beginning of the film.

-Woman shakes man awake and he realizes he hasn't actually interviewed for the job yet.


-Guy is now trapped in the mirror.

-Homeless woman takes the seeds that the little boy gave her and plants them.

-Painter paints himself dying and then dies.

-Girl throws the flower into the water.

Chad Kroeger Side Projects

I'm a huge Nickelback fan. I have all six of their albums and the Spiderman soundtrack; but I'm still not satisfied, I need more. I recently heard that Chad Kroeger was working on some side projects, do you happen to the names of these bands? - Blanche (Walterboro, SC)

List Generated:


-Soot Penchant

-Song Horse


-Sound Belter



-Three Garden


Monday, February 9, 2009

Inexpensive Dates For Helmet Enthusiasts

I recently registered with a dating website for helmet loving singles. I already have a date lined up, but I don't have much money and I want to prove to this girl that I love helmets. Do you have any date ideas? - Caleb (Roanoke, VA)

List Generated:

-If it's a rainy day, make a fire, lay out some old newspaper and give an old helmet a fresh paint job together.

-Throw tennis balls at each other's helmets.

-Go to a coffee shop and look at Polaroids of your helmet collections.

-Lay on some grass, stare up at the clouds, and describe your ideal helmets to each other.

-Take a road trip on March 26th to Spruce Pine, NC for the Helmet-a-rama Convention for the widest array of Giro Helmets this side of Spruce, (sponsored by Giro Helmets).

-Find a nice park bench and make fun of all the people not wearing helmets.

-Helmet museum.

Friday, February 6, 2009

NASCAR Drivers

I’m sort of a new comer to NASCAR and I really don’t know who any of the drivers are outside of the superstars like Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson. Who are some of the other drivers I should be keeping an eye out for? – Ira (New Iberia, LA)

List Generated:

-Chirps Dalehardt

-Austin Rickety

-McDonald's Burger King

-Haste Pursuiter

-Darby Chirphardt Jr.

-Ken “Tucky” Kentucky

-Zap Zippidyzoom

-Leak Dribble

-Chadder Mudson

-Gramps Chirpendale Jr.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Car Air Fresheners

Whenever I go to the car wash I want to buy one of those air fresheners. Problem is, there are so many wonderful looking options, my brain shuts down and I just end up not getting one. Sometimes I even pass out. So tell me, which fresheners are the best ones? – Diana (Loup City, NE)

List Generated:

-Pert Pluspourri

-Recently Purchased Car

-Ranch Dressing

-Unsullied Textbook

-Spilt Perfume

-Rainforest Patchouli

-Fresh Tennis Ball

-Creepy Jelly

-Mermaid Hair


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Prince Interview Pull Quotes

Sup, I write for Spin Magazine, maybe you’ve heard of it. Anyways, I interviewed Prince recently, went pretty rad. Cool guy, we hung out at his guitar shaped pool drinking smoothies, just sort of shooting it. Like I said, pretty rad right. Sup, anyways, I’m really tired and I need a nap bad, can you do the pull quotes of the interview for me, I’ll owe you. – Lars (Telegraph City, CA)

List Generated:

-“My upcoming album is a single 95-minute sex funk song about cumulous clouds. The working title is Sexy Funky Cumulous Clouds

-“I’ve always tried to avoid surfaces that aren’t covered with swan feathers.”

-"Only God can make a Prince song."

-“I guess the album in my discography I’m most proud of is the Batman soundtrack. That one-two punch of Partyman and Batdance, I’ve never topped it.”

-“Wait. So you're saying that I wrote Manic Monday?”

-“It’s not my pool that’s shaped like a guitar, it’s my guitar that is shaped like a pool.”

-“If I could time travel, I'd probably go to the future, get a swan feathered jet pack, then go give it to myself in 1981 for the Controversy tour.”

-“Wouldn’t it be amazing if rain was purple?”

-“I’ve been toying with changing my name into an origami swan.”

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Gatorade Flavors

I’m a track runner, which means I sweat a lot. So when I need to replenish my electrolytes, there’s only one drink I turn to, Gatorade. Also Powerade. And in a jam water. Thing is, I’m bored with the original lemon/lime flavor, which of the other flavors would you vouch for? – Carl (Cairo, GA)

List Generated:


-Banana Tantrum

-Fierce Intensified Extreme Master Blaster Berry


-Bull Stabber Performance Blue

-Grapestreme Velocity

-Straight Up Green


Monday, February 2, 2009

Racehorse Names

Me and a few guys from the office decided we’re going to buy a racehorse. Since I know absolutely nothing about horses they’re taking care of all the heavy lifting and have charged me with coming up with a name. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a namer as it turns out either. Can you suggest some racehorse names? – Duncan (Ironville, PA)

List Generated:

-Go Go Gadget Horse Legs

-Mr. Carrot Enjoyer

-Hip To Be Whipped

-Alex Trifecta

-Ponies Are Not “Baby Horses”, They’re Just Small Full Grown Horses

-Easter Bunny Jr.

-Happy Birthday Brian, You’re Our Favorite Grandson

-Injected With Extra Equine Hormones

-Big Smelly Teeth


Friday, January 30, 2009

People You’ll Encounter At A Rock Show

I’m really into bands; I go to their websites and I have over 157 gigs of music in my iTunes, all of it amazing. Anyways, I’ve never been to a show, but I definitely plan on it some day, what should I expect to see? – Holden (Round Rock, TX)

List Generated:

-Seven-foot guy who stands a few people in front of you, swaying gently back and forth.

-Girls with Cat Power/Feist hair.

-Throw up girl (with crying best friend and/or annoyed boyfriend).

-Seventy-year-old man who knows every word to every song.

-Blogger who watches the entire show through his digital camera.

-Self-conscious guy with horn-rimmed glasses who occasionally catches himself grooving a little too hard and then checks to see if anyone noticed.

-German girl who’s at the wrong show.

-Dude who knows the bassist for the opening band.

-Al Jardine.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Kerouac Excerpts

All my friends are suddenly way into Beat culture and they walk around writing poems and ranting and quoting Dharma Bums and stuff. They keep telling me to read all these Jack Kerouac books, but I just don't have time to do that until after finals. Can you just give me a crib sheet so I can hang until then? - Neal (Dover, MA)

List Generated:

- ...and Bird Parker, jazz father I never had, on wings made of notes, blowing sweet heaven sounds, dream beings floating, flo-at-ing the system into a new dream all together...

- ...the winds, asking me for samples of my hair and blood type, I sit on my car hood, gazing at the moon man, asking him how it feels to have the American flag stuck in his eye...

- ...meanwhile, Dean sat in the bathtub reading The Condition of the Working Class in England‎, his fingers tearing out the pages as he exclaimed, "we never saw it coming man" Dean, Dean-o, Dean-o-rama, Deaner, Deanski...

- ...and the road is infinite, like a sideways eight that's never gonna end, dig, I took a bennie and the stars began to cough...

- I Zenned up to her, staring at her cracked lips, she at mine, I made with a ciggy, and jazzed her hair with my fingertip, then whispered in her ear, you dig Bird Parker? and she jazzed...

- ...sweet Frisco, gold in your lungs and your crooked streets like derelict bones, the last chance of a country still in the womb, man I need some heroin, do you know anyone who sells heroin?

-When I first met Ballen Binsberg and Billiam B. Burroughs I knew that those cats were Jazz.

- ...and so I'm blowing smoke into the paper in the typewriter and watching it disperse when the two forces meet, I'm typing words, Beat words, I'm typing Be-at words onto the page in front of me, the typewriter is clacking, clacking and snapping like a radiant moon, jazz, stars, Zen, Beat, bennies...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

IHOP Breakfast Specials

As a regular patron at IHOP (yes, I claim my free breakfast every birthday!) I was wondering if you could suggest some new breakfast specials for them. I’m truly sick of the 6 they’ve had for -what seems like- forever. – Jill (Kalispell, MT)

List Generated:

-Proper Dopper Pancakes

-Flibbertigibbet’s Fl”eggs” Florentine

-Public Domain Mouseycakes!

-Ruby Snooby Saber Toothy Hamcakes & Baconaffles

-Hungry Kid’s Eggellette Basket


-For Whom The French Toasts

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Men's Magazines

There's so many magazines to choose from these days, I don't know which ones to read. I'm always keeping an eye out for the next Maxim or Stuff, any publications you can recommend? – Jay (Appomattox, VA)

List Generated:

-Sup Brah


-Suit Buyer

-Muscle Gearer

-Dude Guidance



Monday, January 26, 2009

Discount Haircuts

I am currently: out of work, very broke, about to go to a job interview and have very shaggy unprofessional looking hair. Can you recommend a place to get a haircut for under $20? - Sal (Leupp, AZ)

List Generated:


-Dazzle Bangs*

-Triad Cut Alliance

-Snip Station

-Bargain Slicers*

-Mane Wranglers


* - Free wash with coupon

Friday, January 23, 2009

Study Tips

I just started my first semester at Penn State and I’m totally in over my head with school work! I just crammed my way through High School, but I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore. Can you give me some effective studying tips? – Darlene (University Park, PA‎)

List Generated:

-While reading, change the channel on your television to something informative.

-Set your study strobe to a relaxing 10 FPS.

-Replace the lyrics to Subterranean Homesick Blues with science facts.

-Use your time wisely; get a little extra studying done during study breaks.

-When you achieve a high mark on a paper or test, reward yourself with money.

-Shower study.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Poplular Emoticons

I'm a recently divorced father trying to stay involved with my two kids. Unfortunately, my job is relocating me to a different city and the only way I'll be able to stay in touch with them is through instant messaging. Can you give me the hottest, hippest new emoticons and their meanings? I want my kids to love me! – Kyle (Pagedale, MO)

List Generated:

- }{ - All ears

- C****O – Busy playing Pacman

- &(*)^$&)(*^(*()^^@@! – Shift key is stuck

- :j – Lopsided smile with dimple

- %( - Glasses broke

- C1_0%!!! – Just got approved for a Capital One card with 0% APR for a whole year

- ==)))))) D-8 – Being chased by ribs

- :$ - Eat money

- -------8<> - Kite

- R-() – My eyes have been exposed to radiation

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Niche Deodorants

Every time I go to my organic pharmacy I notice all these niche deodorants in the deodorant aisle. I like my current brand fine and all, but I’m always in the market for something better. Which ones are worth their weight? – Marty (Spencer, OK)

List Generated:

-Uncle Bartlebee’s Armpit Elixir

-Perspiration Disappointer


-I Can’t Believe It’s Not Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex Gly Compounds

-Odor Thirster

-Farewell Damp


-Pit Warden

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Medical Jargon

I just started dating a nurse and I really like her. The only problem is, when she tells me stories about her job she has a habit of slipping into “nurse speak”. No matter how hard I try, I eventually tune out because I have no idea what she’s talking about. So for the sake of me not screwing up a good thing, can you please decode some of this medical jargon for me? – Cliff (Saint Cloud, MN)

List Generated:

-Stuccabolectomy - Surgical removal of a stucca: This patient has an engorged stucca, looks like we’ll be doing a stuccaboletomy. This is my fifth one today. I hate stuccaboletomies.

-Glover – A territorial nurse who insists on being the nurse who puts gloves on a surgeon: What do you think you’re doing Todd, everyone knows that I’m the glover. I’ve earned this.

-Swillpanda – Infant who only consumes bamboo: Poor thing, only eats bamboo, I blame the mother for his case of swillpanda.

-Claudette – Endearing nickname for the machine that converts nurse tears into electricity: If Todd tries to put gloves on a surgeon one more time, I’m gonna send him to Claudette. God knows we could use the electricity she would generate with his tears.

-Goggles – Nickname for that one janitor who wears sports goggles sometimes: Goggles!!!

-Gastrodiplocerebral – Patient has second brain in stomach: I’m envious of that gastrodiplocerbral in room 3c, if I had a second functioning brain in my stomach, I probably wouldn’t visit Claudette so often, but God knows we could use the electricity she generates with my tears.

-Hemoignite Damage – Patient’s acid blood is burning holes in the floor: Goggles! Mop up that blood before there’s more hemoignite damage!

-CPK Infection – California pizza kidney infection: I’m staaaaaarrrrving, let’s order some CPK Infection.

Monday, January 19, 2009

New President's Eve Traditions

Over the years, as it's become more and more commercialized, I've stopped celebrating New President's Eve. But this year I'm genuinely excited for the holiday, and I want my kids to have fond memories to tell their children one day. So I was wondering if you could brush me up on the traditions. - Lauren (Dallas, OR)

List Generated:

-Dance around the pumpkin.*

-Reading of All the President's Men in it's entirety to the kids (ideally by a fireplace).

-The watching of CNN.

-Seed fights.

-Candy for dinner.*

-Shaving of the town's heaviest sheep.**

-Painting of your neighbor's gazebo.*

-Listening of Manheim Steamroller's 42-minute rendition of Grand Old Flag.

-Chin-up contest.**

* - Preceded by seed fight

** - Followed by seed fight

Friday, January 16, 2009

Resume Boosters

Just graduated from college and it's time for me to get a job. I don't have much real world experience outside of an internship for a small ad agency; and I didn't do much there besides answer the phones and make some copies. Can you help me bolster my resume with some creatively worded achievements? - Ingrid (Kokadjo, ME)

List Generated:

-Orchestrated the duplication of parking tickets, credit reports & Maxim articles for immediate supervisor.

-Conducted requests with custodial services in order to determine them where to clean up.

-Recruited self to accurate prioritization orgnizationalizing of menu book via alphanumeric filing system.

-Completed high impact internet research multitasking.

-Knowledgeable of valuable confidential documents stored in the Berger, Tazmania & Oaker third floor safe.

-Coordinated and managed myself in the handling of incoming & outgoing voice telemessages.

-Successfully utilized microwave, toaster oven & hot plate to develop the heating of various edibles.

-Facilitated the usage of action words to provide resume with the impression of professionalism.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Unhealthy Fast Food Salads

My new year's resolution this year is to lose weight. I eat a lot of fast food, but I thought I was doing OK because I've been sticking to salads. Unfortunately I've just learned that not all salads are healthy. This is totally stressing me out, can you please give me a heads up as to which salads to steer clear of. - Blane (Kennewick, WA)

List Generated:

-5-Meat Pizza Salad Grinder (Dominoes)

-Quarter Pounder With Salad* (McDonalds)

-The Colonel's Mashed n' Fried Salad Bucket (KFC)

-The Krisper (Krispy Kreme)

-Chalupa Saladilla (Taco Bell)

-Five Dollar Double Guac Bacon Westerner (Carl's Jr.)

-Oven Roasted Angus Cheesesteak Salad (Quiznos)

-The BK Clogger (Burger King)

* - Not a salad

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

British Names

I'm an American secret agent who's about to go deep under cover in the UK. I'll be needing an authentic sounding British name if I'm going to infiltrate the highest offices of their government. Could you please suggest some potential names for my mission? - Classified (Classified, Classified)

List Generated:

-Crisp Tilbrook

-Douglas Royal Anchor

-Alec Zander Tea

-Tim Timothy Oxfordham

-Jasper Rubbish

-Sir Lord Junior III

-Rigby Manners

-Adelia Bubbles

-Tristan Wonky

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Beck Lyrics

I've always thought of Beck as a modern day Dylan, and when I told a friend of mine that he laughed and said that I was ridiculous. Can you generate a list of the Beck lyrics that will best convince my friend that Beck is a poetic genius. - Terry (Reform, OH)

List Generated:

-I get boogie woogie down like the speed of a bullet, talking to your mother from the side of my gullet.

-Hijack my breakfast from a diffident bird, eatin' my lunch dance while my speech is still slurred.

-You stole broken umbrellas, from my sister, keepin' tab-o-rellas on the sinister mister.

-Scu-ba diving in the oval office, I reform the kidneys like an old man novice.

-Slathering pudding in the swimming pool mansion, magician's headlights like a tan man face trance.

-A caterpillar mustache all over my body, a dollar off coupon on lobotomy haircuts.

-Cinderella, smellin' like garlic, smashin' and grabbin' at the pumpkin patch glass.

-Sandwich toppings, electric shockings, smell the alligator, it's a razor blade steroid.

Monday, January 12, 2009


Yo, me an my friends are going to a comedy club tonight. We do this like once a month or so, and they are totally great at heckling the comics. I, on the other hand, suck at it and end up feeling stupid. Can you give me a few zingers to throw these comics off their game? - Jake (Clovis, NM)

List Generated:

-I already heard you tell all these jokes last night.

-Who are you to be making fun of airline pilots?

-You stole that joke from me.

-I can see your lips moving while you make the puppet talk.

-You remind me of my friend Aaron from High School.

-I haven't seen this many bombs since I visited this one bomb factory outside of Tulsa.

-Do that super finger thing from the Dane Cook CD.

-What do you mean everyone hates hecklers?

-No they don't.

-Hecklers are why people go to see comedy dude.

-No, you're an idiot.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Home Run Calls

Hey, I'm a radio broadcaster for the minor league baseball team the Hickory Crawdads. Over the years I've studied the greats in my profession, and the one thing they have in common is they all have amazing home run calls, (i.e. Harry Carry's "Hooooollllly Cow!"). I've been trying to develop my own, but it seems like all the good ones are taken. Do you know any good ones? - Deke (Hickory, NC)

List Generated:

-Hit hard! It coullllllllddddd beeeeeeee, JURASSIC PARK!!!!!

-Belted, looks like this BATapeller just became a BALLerfly!

-Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... YESSS!

-Le sloppy american frapper la balle de toutes ses forces! Gooooaaaalll!

-Red Bull gives you wings... Goodbye!

-Ground control to major ball! See ya!

-Yackity yack! This one's back! At the wall that is, well, actually over the wall. Excuse me for trying to make a rhyme, soorrrrry.

-Is there anything more beautiful in this otherwise meaningless existence?


Thursday, January 8, 2009

Jam Bands

I've been into jams ever since I picked up Lawn Boy in '91, but there's so many 'mazing shows out there, I don't know where to start. If you could follow a band this summer, who would it be? - Sky (Stannard, VT)

List Generated:

-Whole of Sound

-Namas Daze

-Scott Tussen Project

-Spirit Surrenderer

-Flightless Bird

-Rag Mountain Sardine Experiment

-5 Man Mandolin Wrecking Crew

-Suns of Water


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Butter Substitutes

My new year's resolution was to lose weight, but I just love to put butter on things, (i.e. crackers, toast, waffles). I feel like if I can find a butter substitute that I like I could cut tons of fat out of my diet. What are your favs? - Rex (Beacon Hill, CO)

List Generated:

-Foodables All Natural Bunner



-Spreadable Yellow Pads

-I Disagree That This Is Not Butter


-Pepsi Clear Butter

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Cool Ways To Say Goodbye

When my daughter was leaving the house the other day I said, "later" and she gave me that look that I used to give my dad whenever he said something hopelessly outdated. Can you update me on the newest and coolest ways of saying goodbye? - Dennis (Cold Springs, TN)

List Generated:




-Fare Thee Well

-Be Watching Your Every Move Online




-Peace Be With You Goopy

Monday, January 5, 2009

Freezer Foods

I'm a broke student who survives mostly off of ramen noodles and bad caf food. I just got a mini fridge with a big ol' freezer cubbie in it and I'm overwhelmed by the tons of freezer foods available at the store. What should I get? - Rick (Hartland, WV)

List Generated:

-Tough Muffins

-TGIF's Calamari Poppers


-Soccer Kidz EZ Eggrules!!!1

-Roast Beef Miniwiches

-Mo'gurt Blasters

-Fancy Burritos

-Cheese Shramps