I just started dating a nurse and I really like her. The only problem is, when she tells me stories about her job she has a habit of slipping into “nurse speak”. No matter how hard I try, I eventually tune out because I have no idea what she’s talking about. So for the sake of me not screwing up a good thing, can you please decode some of this medical jargon for me? – Cliff (Saint Cloud, MN)
-Stuccabolectomy - Surgical removal of a stucca: This patient has an engorged stucca, looks like we’ll be doing a stuccaboletomy. This is my fifth one today. I hate stuccaboletomies.
-Glover – A territorial nurse who insists on being the nurse who puts gloves on a surgeon: What do you think you’re doing Todd, everyone knows that I’m the glover. I’ve earned this.
-Swillpanda – Infant who only consumes bamboo: Poor thing, only eats bamboo, I blame the mother for his case of swillpanda.
-Claudette – Endearing nickname for the machine that converts nurse tears into electricity: If Todd tries to put gloves on a surgeon one more time, I’m gonna send him to Claudette. God knows we could use the electricity she would generate with his tears.
-Goggles – Nickname for that one janitor who wears sports goggles sometimes: Goggles!!!
-Gastrodiplocerebral – Patient has second brain in stomach: I’m envious of that gastrodiplocerbral in room 3c, if I had a second functioning brain in my stomach, I probably wouldn’t visit Claudette so often, but God knows we could use the electricity she generates with my tears.
-Hemoignite Damage – Patient’s acid blood is burning holes in the floor: Goggles! Mop up that blood before there’s more hemoignite damage!
-CPK Infection – California pizza kidney infection: I’m staaaaaarrrrving, let’s order some CPK Infection.