Thursday, April 16, 2009

'80s WWF Wrestlers

I'm a professional wrestler. When I got hit in the head the other day with a flying elbow drop, I lost a good portion of my memory. Now I must watch a lot of tapes from the 1980s to recapture my love of the sport. Who were the best WWF wrestlers? - Joshua (Lock Haven, PA)

List Generated:

-The Russian Nuke

-Captain Tugboat

-The Hawaii Brothers*

-Scrappy Doug Andrewson

-Baby Bok Choy

-Whip Crackers*

-Al Bino

-The Yankee Doodle Man

-Poised Peter

-Red Leprechaun


* - Tag Team

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Cracker Barrel Gift Shop Items

Every Sunday I run down to the Cracker Barrel and order me up a Uncle Herschel’s Favorite® breakfast. Afterwards, I like to peruse the knickknacks and such at the gift shop. Typically, my journeys take me directly to the candy jars and I don't get to see what else they have there. So, what else do they have there? - Herbert (Wisconsin Dells, WI)

List Generated:

-Dolly Parton Salad Plate Collection

-Wire Panda Statue

-Chocolate Hen Cage


-Country Quilt Shirts

-Wood Dust Candles

-"Deal With It or Deal With Me" T-shirt

-Auntie Babs's Assorted Fancy Jams

-Singing Table Rabbit

-Old Fashioned Sodie

-Duck Hats

Things To Check For Before Moving Into A House Built Atop A Dormant Volcano

My wife and I just had our second child and we need to move into a larger house. Luckily, we found this amazing deal where the developer sealed up the business end of a dormant volcano with cement and then built a beautiful three-bedroom house on top of it. The price is certainly right, but can you think of any reasons why we shouldn't move into it? Can you get back to me soon, I understand there's another couple interested. - Forest (Mauna Kea, HI)

List Generated:

-Before signing that lease, make sure the volcano is actually a volcano and not a mudcano. Nobody wants to live atop a mudcano, dormant or not.

-Visit the house at night, just to get a better sense of how safe the neighborhood is.

-Be sure the developer didn't originally seal the volcano with concrete for the purpose of trapping a demon or some other evil spirit.

-Check for hot floors regularly.

-Make sure your children's school has a bus that can drive up the side of a dormant volcano.

-If something is too good to be true, it might just be. Find out why the price is so low.

-Dormant volcanoes are mother earth's dried up tear ducts. Never forget that.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Meat Loaf Tribute Bands

Me and my friends love to rock nonstop to Meat Loaf, so we're taking it one step further and bringing our passion to the people, tribute band style. Anyways, most of the good ML trib names are taken, will you help us out with some 'gestions? - Roy (Punxsutawney, PA)

List Generated:

-The Little Loaves

-The Words You Took Right Out Our Mouths

-Bats Out of Loaf

-The Flying Loafcycles

-Meat Loaf Jrs.

-Bastard Sons of Marvin Lee Aday

-Our Name Is Robert Paulson

-Loaf Zeppelin*

* - Also a Led Zeppelin tribute band

Rarely Used Fonts

I'm writing an essay for my European History class and I really want it to pop off of the page, so I figured I'd use a font my Prof won't see coming. What are some sweet fonts that most people don't use? - Katie (Clifton, TX)

List Generated:

-Illegible Script Condensed

-Judas Kitten

-Bold & Fat

-Typewriter With Broken R Key

-Times New Spartan

-Creepy Satan Worshipy Letters MT

-Ye Olde English Fonte

-Arrows & Pointy Fingers

-Helvetica Jr.

-Undifferentiated Squares Bitmap

-Confused Orphan

Chapters In A Book Entitled 'In A Perfect World...'

I'm writing a book entitled: 'In A Perfect World...' In it, I talk about all the things that I think the world should do without. While I'm never short of an unpopular opinion on a subject, I don't really know where to start when it comes to organizing my thoughts. I think it'd help if you could give me chapter titles, then I can just riff, Dennis Miller style. - Ryan (Core City, MI)

List Generated:

-Introduction: So You Thought The World Was Perfect? I Have Some Disappointing News...

-The Importance Of Abolishing Soda

-7 Reasons Not To Use Plastic Cups

-7 More Reasons Not To Use Plastic Cups

-Physical "Education"

-A Few Things You Should Know Before Eating Meat

-People Should Use Bicycles Instead Cars

-All Veggie Burgers Should Be Square

-Sports: How They Distract Us From What's Really Important

-Why We're Better Off Without Pandas

-1991-1995, The Only Years In Music That Matter

-Your Cellphone Is A Digital Leash

-Conclusion: I Told You The World Wasn't Perfect

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Steven Seagal Movies

I am an expert in the field of Human Dynamics and I happened to watch the film "Above The Law" on the television this evening. I must say, I have never seen an individual run like that before. I'd like to see more footage of this Steven Seagal so that I may study this peculiar motion. Can you suggest some more of his films? Preferably with revenge plots. - Hubert (Bogalusa, LA)

List Generated:

-Beg To Differ

-Of Solid Honor

-Out For Bounty

-Snows That Bleed

-Death Matters

-Quarter Till Vengeance

-All's Not Quiet

-Eskimo Sunset

Monday, April 6, 2009

Bath & Bodyworks Aroma Therapy Candles

Whenever I'm feeling down or just not like myself, I spark up a fat Bath & Bodyworks aroma therapy candle and then just chill out or whatever. The thing is, when you're at the B&B, you can't exactly test out their candles. Sure, you can smell them unlit and all, but that's just not the same and you know it. What are the best smelling candles that will relax me? - Rick (Green River, WY)

List Generated:

-Comfortable Watermelon

-Angel's Wing

-Rainkissed Pillow

-Lethargic Vanilla Bunny

-Honey Mantra

-Goodnight Nurse

-Zest of Meatball

-Cocoa Pebble Leaf

-Uncontrollable Laughter

-Sleepy Fingers

-Blood Thirst

Friday, April 3, 2009

Jazz Musician Nicknames

I'm going to this jazz club tonight where there are a lot of hep cats who really know their stuff. I'm pretty new to jazz in many respects, and don't always know who they're talking about once the jazz conversations start going down. Can you clue me in? - Donald (Hilton Head Island, SC)

List Generated:

-"Blow" Davis (Miles Davis)

-"Professor Magic Fingers" Monk (Thelonius Monk)

-"Bass Hand" Mingus (Charles Mingus)

-"Crazy Cheeks" (Louis Armstrong)

-"Fe-Robocop" (Billie Holiday)

-"Assemblyman" Coltrane (John Coltrane)

-"Dave" Brubeck (Dave Brubeck)

-"Tonight Show" Eubanks (Kevin Eubanks)

-"Gold Man Sax" (Bird Parker)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

14th Century Sneeze Responses

My daughter has a very bad cold and is constantly sneezing. No matter how many times me and my wife say "Bless you," it seems to do nothing to make her better. I understand that our 14th-century ancestors cured the sniffles with different responses; can you please tell me what they were so that our daughter can be saved? - Zachariah (Nampa, ID)

List Generated:

-Do not threaten me witch.

-Thou fakes a demon expulsion for our lord's sympathy!

-I know your secrets now!

-Cleanliness. Purity. Cleanliness.

-Brapples thou?

-Beware! You've released the jackrabbit's soul!

-Then it is settled.

-So the mentalist can speak! I was beginning to worry.

-Mos Bless.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Office April Fools' Day Pranks

Every single year I find myself on the wrong side of office April Fools' Day pranks. This year, however, I vow to be the one who's doing the fooling! Can you suggest some solid never-fail office pranks? - Vicky (Provo, UT)

List Generated:

-Convince everyone in your office's chin-up contest that it's actually a pull-up contest. Then, just as time runs out, yell "it actually was a chin-up contest, April Fools!"

-Pour Dr. Pepper all over your cubicle neighbor's keyboard, it'll make the keys stick to her fingers!

-Make your co-worker's cereal magically float out of the bowl while he's alone, but when someone comes into the room have it crash to the ground. He'll think he's going crazy and no one will believe him when he tries to explain what happened!

-While the office mother sparrow is sleeping, gently lift her up and steal her eggs. When she starts to freak out, explain to her the custom of April Fools' Day in terms a sparrow would understand!

-Get to work early and re-route the back-siphon to a copper indirect tank. Later in the day, when no one's looking, channel the UPVC through a down pipe header and put an extra clamp on the basin cistern!

-Throw a banana peel in front of the portly janitor carrying a tall, wobbly stack of pies!

-Find out which of your co-workers has a crippling fear of the apocalypse. Next, set up a rear projection system outside her window. Then, play footage of a nuclear bomb going off in the distance. Sit back and laugh as she totally freaks out!

-Switch the "Pull" and "Push" signs on your office building's fire escapes, (don't forget to switch them back on April 2nd or else you can get in trouble!)!