Friday, January 30, 2009

People You’ll Encounter At A Rock Show

I’m really into bands; I go to their websites and I have over 157 gigs of music in my iTunes, all of it amazing. Anyways, I’ve never been to a show, but I definitely plan on it some day, what should I expect to see? – Holden (Round Rock, TX)

List Generated:

-Seven-foot guy who stands a few people in front of you, swaying gently back and forth.

-Girls with Cat Power/Feist hair.

-Throw up girl (with crying best friend and/or annoyed boyfriend).

-Seventy-year-old man who knows every word to every song.

-Blogger who watches the entire show through his digital camera.

-Self-conscious guy with horn-rimmed glasses who occasionally catches himself grooving a little too hard and then checks to see if anyone noticed.

-German girl who’s at the wrong show.

-Dude who knows the bassist for the opening band.

-Al Jardine.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Kerouac Excerpts

All my friends are suddenly way into Beat culture and they walk around writing poems and ranting and quoting Dharma Bums and stuff. They keep telling me to read all these Jack Kerouac books, but I just don't have time to do that until after finals. Can you just give me a crib sheet so I can hang until then? - Neal (Dover, MA)

List Generated:

- ...and Bird Parker, jazz father I never had, on wings made of notes, blowing sweet heaven sounds, dream beings floating, flo-at-ing the system into a new dream all together...

- ...the winds, asking me for samples of my hair and blood type, I sit on my car hood, gazing at the moon man, asking him how it feels to have the American flag stuck in his eye...

- ...meanwhile, Dean sat in the bathtub reading The Condition of the Working Class in England‎, his fingers tearing out the pages as he exclaimed, "we never saw it coming man" Dean, Dean-o, Dean-o-rama, Deaner, Deanski...

- ...and the road is infinite, like a sideways eight that's never gonna end, dig, I took a bennie and the stars began to cough...

- I Zenned up to her, staring at her cracked lips, she at mine, I made with a ciggy, and jazzed her hair with my fingertip, then whispered in her ear, you dig Bird Parker? and she jazzed...

- ...sweet Frisco, gold in your lungs and your crooked streets like derelict bones, the last chance of a country still in the womb, man I need some heroin, do you know anyone who sells heroin?

-When I first met Ballen Binsberg and Billiam B. Burroughs I knew that those cats were Jazz.

- ...and so I'm blowing smoke into the paper in the typewriter and watching it disperse when the two forces meet, I'm typing words, Beat words, I'm typing Be-at words onto the page in front of me, the typewriter is clacking, clacking and snapping like a radiant moon, jazz, stars, Zen, Beat, bennies...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

IHOP Breakfast Specials

As a regular patron at IHOP (yes, I claim my free breakfast every birthday!) I was wondering if you could suggest some new breakfast specials for them. I’m truly sick of the 6 they’ve had for -what seems like- forever. – Jill (Kalispell, MT)

List Generated:

-Proper Dopper Pancakes

-Flibbertigibbet’s Fl”eggs” Florentine

-Public Domain Mouseycakes!

-Ruby Snooby Saber Toothy Hamcakes & Baconaffles

-Hungry Kid’s Eggellette Basket


-For Whom The French Toasts

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Men's Magazines

There's so many magazines to choose from these days, I don't know which ones to read. I'm always keeping an eye out for the next Maxim or Stuff, any publications you can recommend? – Jay (Appomattox, VA)

List Generated:

-Sup Brah


-Suit Buyer

-Muscle Gearer

-Dude Guidance



Monday, January 26, 2009

Discount Haircuts

I am currently: out of work, very broke, about to go to a job interview and have very shaggy unprofessional looking hair. Can you recommend a place to get a haircut for under $20? - Sal (Leupp, AZ)

List Generated:


-Dazzle Bangs*

-Triad Cut Alliance

-Snip Station

-Bargain Slicers*

-Mane Wranglers


* - Free wash with coupon

Friday, January 23, 2009

Study Tips

I just started my first semester at Penn State and I’m totally in over my head with school work! I just crammed my way through High School, but I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore. Can you give me some effective studying tips? – Darlene (University Park, PA‎)

List Generated:

-While reading, change the channel on your television to something informative.

-Set your study strobe to a relaxing 10 FPS.

-Replace the lyrics to Subterranean Homesick Blues with science facts.

-Use your time wisely; get a little extra studying done during study breaks.

-When you achieve a high mark on a paper or test, reward yourself with money.

-Shower study.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Poplular Emoticons

I'm a recently divorced father trying to stay involved with my two kids. Unfortunately, my job is relocating me to a different city and the only way I'll be able to stay in touch with them is through instant messaging. Can you give me the hottest, hippest new emoticons and their meanings? I want my kids to love me! – Kyle (Pagedale, MO)

List Generated:

- }{ - All ears

- C****O – Busy playing Pacman

- &(*)^$&)(*^(*()^^@@! – Shift key is stuck

- :j – Lopsided smile with dimple

- %( - Glasses broke

- C1_0%!!! – Just got approved for a Capital One card with 0% APR for a whole year

- ==)))))) D-8 – Being chased by ribs

- :$ - Eat money

- -------8<> - Kite

- R-() – My eyes have been exposed to radiation

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Niche Deodorants

Every time I go to my organic pharmacy I notice all these niche deodorants in the deodorant aisle. I like my current brand fine and all, but I’m always in the market for something better. Which ones are worth their weight? – Marty (Spencer, OK)

List Generated:

-Uncle Bartlebee’s Armpit Elixir

-Perspiration Disappointer


-I Can’t Believe It’s Not Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex Gly Compounds

-Odor Thirster

-Farewell Damp


-Pit Warden

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Medical Jargon

I just started dating a nurse and I really like her. The only problem is, when she tells me stories about her job she has a habit of slipping into “nurse speak”. No matter how hard I try, I eventually tune out because I have no idea what she’s talking about. So for the sake of me not screwing up a good thing, can you please decode some of this medical jargon for me? – Cliff (Saint Cloud, MN)

List Generated:

-Stuccabolectomy - Surgical removal of a stucca: This patient has an engorged stucca, looks like we’ll be doing a stuccaboletomy. This is my fifth one today. I hate stuccaboletomies.

-Glover – A territorial nurse who insists on being the nurse who puts gloves on a surgeon: What do you think you’re doing Todd, everyone knows that I’m the glover. I’ve earned this.

-Swillpanda – Infant who only consumes bamboo: Poor thing, only eats bamboo, I blame the mother for his case of swillpanda.

-Claudette – Endearing nickname for the machine that converts nurse tears into electricity: If Todd tries to put gloves on a surgeon one more time, I’m gonna send him to Claudette. God knows we could use the electricity she would generate with his tears.

-Goggles – Nickname for that one janitor who wears sports goggles sometimes: Goggles!!!

-Gastrodiplocerebral – Patient has second brain in stomach: I’m envious of that gastrodiplocerbral in room 3c, if I had a second functioning brain in my stomach, I probably wouldn’t visit Claudette so often, but God knows we could use the electricity she generates with my tears.

-Hemoignite Damage – Patient’s acid blood is burning holes in the floor: Goggles! Mop up that blood before there’s more hemoignite damage!

-CPK Infection – California pizza kidney infection: I’m staaaaaarrrrving, let’s order some CPK Infection.

Monday, January 19, 2009

New President's Eve Traditions

Over the years, as it's become more and more commercialized, I've stopped celebrating New President's Eve. But this year I'm genuinely excited for the holiday, and I want my kids to have fond memories to tell their children one day. So I was wondering if you could brush me up on the traditions. - Lauren (Dallas, OR)

List Generated:

-Dance around the pumpkin.*

-Reading of All the President's Men in it's entirety to the kids (ideally by a fireplace).

-The watching of CNN.

-Seed fights.

-Candy for dinner.*

-Shaving of the town's heaviest sheep.**

-Painting of your neighbor's gazebo.*

-Listening of Manheim Steamroller's 42-minute rendition of Grand Old Flag.

-Chin-up contest.**

* - Preceded by seed fight

** - Followed by seed fight

Friday, January 16, 2009

Resume Boosters

Just graduated from college and it's time for me to get a job. I don't have much real world experience outside of an internship for a small ad agency; and I didn't do much there besides answer the phones and make some copies. Can you help me bolster my resume with some creatively worded achievements? - Ingrid (Kokadjo, ME)

List Generated:

-Orchestrated the duplication of parking tickets, credit reports & Maxim articles for immediate supervisor.

-Conducted requests with custodial services in order to determine them where to clean up.

-Recruited self to accurate prioritization orgnizationalizing of menu book via alphanumeric filing system.

-Completed high impact internet research multitasking.

-Knowledgeable of valuable confidential documents stored in the Berger, Tazmania & Oaker third floor safe.

-Coordinated and managed myself in the handling of incoming & outgoing voice telemessages.

-Successfully utilized microwave, toaster oven & hot plate to develop the heating of various edibles.

-Facilitated the usage of action words to provide resume with the impression of professionalism.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Unhealthy Fast Food Salads

My new year's resolution this year is to lose weight. I eat a lot of fast food, but I thought I was doing OK because I've been sticking to salads. Unfortunately I've just learned that not all salads are healthy. This is totally stressing me out, can you please give me a heads up as to which salads to steer clear of. - Blane (Kennewick, WA)

List Generated:

-5-Meat Pizza Salad Grinder (Dominoes)

-Quarter Pounder With Salad* (McDonalds)

-The Colonel's Mashed n' Fried Salad Bucket (KFC)

-The Krisper (Krispy Kreme)

-Chalupa Saladilla (Taco Bell)

-Five Dollar Double Guac Bacon Westerner (Carl's Jr.)

-Oven Roasted Angus Cheesesteak Salad (Quiznos)

-The BK Clogger (Burger King)

* - Not a salad

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

British Names

I'm an American secret agent who's about to go deep under cover in the UK. I'll be needing an authentic sounding British name if I'm going to infiltrate the highest offices of their government. Could you please suggest some potential names for my mission? - Classified (Classified, Classified)

List Generated:

-Crisp Tilbrook

-Douglas Royal Anchor

-Alec Zander Tea

-Tim Timothy Oxfordham

-Jasper Rubbish

-Sir Lord Junior III

-Rigby Manners

-Adelia Bubbles

-Tristan Wonky

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Beck Lyrics

I've always thought of Beck as a modern day Dylan, and when I told a friend of mine that he laughed and said that I was ridiculous. Can you generate a list of the Beck lyrics that will best convince my friend that Beck is a poetic genius. - Terry (Reform, OH)

List Generated:

-I get boogie woogie down like the speed of a bullet, talking to your mother from the side of my gullet.

-Hijack my breakfast from a diffident bird, eatin' my lunch dance while my speech is still slurred.

-You stole broken umbrellas, from my sister, keepin' tab-o-rellas on the sinister mister.

-Scu-ba diving in the oval office, I reform the kidneys like an old man novice.

-Slathering pudding in the swimming pool mansion, magician's headlights like a tan man face trance.

-A caterpillar mustache all over my body, a dollar off coupon on lobotomy haircuts.

-Cinderella, smellin' like garlic, smashin' and grabbin' at the pumpkin patch glass.

-Sandwich toppings, electric shockings, smell the alligator, it's a razor blade steroid.

Monday, January 12, 2009


Yo, me an my friends are going to a comedy club tonight. We do this like once a month or so, and they are totally great at heckling the comics. I, on the other hand, suck at it and end up feeling stupid. Can you give me a few zingers to throw these comics off their game? - Jake (Clovis, NM)

List Generated:

-I already heard you tell all these jokes last night.

-Who are you to be making fun of airline pilots?

-You stole that joke from me.

-I can see your lips moving while you make the puppet talk.

-You remind me of my friend Aaron from High School.

-I haven't seen this many bombs since I visited this one bomb factory outside of Tulsa.

-Do that super finger thing from the Dane Cook CD.

-What do you mean everyone hates hecklers?

-No they don't.

-Hecklers are why people go to see comedy dude.

-No, you're an idiot.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Home Run Calls

Hey, I'm a radio broadcaster for the minor league baseball team the Hickory Crawdads. Over the years I've studied the greats in my profession, and the one thing they have in common is they all have amazing home run calls, (i.e. Harry Carry's "Hooooollllly Cow!"). I've been trying to develop my own, but it seems like all the good ones are taken. Do you know any good ones? - Deke (Hickory, NC)

List Generated:

-Hit hard! It coullllllllddddd beeeeeeee, JURASSIC PARK!!!!!

-Belted, looks like this BATapeller just became a BALLerfly!

-Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... YESSS!

-Le sloppy american frapper la balle de toutes ses forces! Gooooaaaalll!

-Red Bull gives you wings... Goodbye!

-Ground control to major ball! See ya!

-Yackity yack! This one's back! At the wall that is, well, actually over the wall. Excuse me for trying to make a rhyme, soorrrrry.

-Is there anything more beautiful in this otherwise meaningless existence?


Thursday, January 8, 2009

Jam Bands

I've been into jams ever since I picked up Lawn Boy in '91, but there's so many 'mazing shows out there, I don't know where to start. If you could follow a band this summer, who would it be? - Sky (Stannard, VT)

List Generated:

-Whole of Sound

-Namas Daze

-Scott Tussen Project

-Spirit Surrenderer

-Flightless Bird

-Rag Mountain Sardine Experiment

-5 Man Mandolin Wrecking Crew

-Suns of Water


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Butter Substitutes

My new year's resolution was to lose weight, but I just love to put butter on things, (i.e. crackers, toast, waffles). I feel like if I can find a butter substitute that I like I could cut tons of fat out of my diet. What are your favs? - Rex (Beacon Hill, CO)

List Generated:

-Foodables All Natural Bunner



-Spreadable Yellow Pads

-I Disagree That This Is Not Butter


-Pepsi Clear Butter

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Cool Ways To Say Goodbye

When my daughter was leaving the house the other day I said, "later" and she gave me that look that I used to give my dad whenever he said something hopelessly outdated. Can you update me on the newest and coolest ways of saying goodbye? - Dennis (Cold Springs, TN)

List Generated:




-Fare Thee Well

-Be Watching Your Every Move Online




-Peace Be With You Goopy

Monday, January 5, 2009

Freezer Foods

I'm a broke student who survives mostly off of ramen noodles and bad caf food. I just got a mini fridge with a big ol' freezer cubbie in it and I'm overwhelmed by the tons of freezer foods available at the store. What should I get? - Rick (Hartland, WV)

List Generated:

-Tough Muffins

-TGIF's Calamari Poppers


-Soccer Kidz EZ Eggrules!!!1

-Roast Beef Miniwiches

-Mo'gurt Blasters

-Fancy Burritos

-Cheese Shramps