Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I'm almost done achieving my B.S. in meteorology at the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology and then it's off into the highly competitive world of meteorology. My mentor says that the quickest way to become a working meteorologist is to have a catchy name. Can you suggest some please? - Joe (Rapid City, SD)

List Generated:

-Rip N. Thunders

-Carl Cumulus

-Amber Prophesy

-Froggy Hoppers

-Friendly Skyhumper

-Sunder Storms

-Aaron Accutemperature

-Sorceress Marge

-Mos Bless

Monday, March 30, 2009

Job Interview Follow Up Tips

Just got back from a job interview and I think it went pretty well. I want to stay on their radar without appearing too desperate, do you have any good tips? - Abigail (Gromore, WA)

List Generated:

-Send over a nice basket of kittens with a card thanking them for considering you for the job.

-Make polite follow up calls once a week for two years whether the position has been filled or not.

-Photoshop yourself onto the cover of Time Magazine with the headline "Your Future Employee!" and slip it into your prospective employer's mail.

-If it's been over a month and you still haven't been given an answer, stand outside of the office building on a rainy night screaming "COWARDS!" School Ties style.

-Follow the person who interviewed you around for a couple of days and "coincidentally" bump into them several times. They'll think it's a sign to hire you.

-Casually mention to the company's receptionist that there is a bidding war heating up over you.

-If you find out you didn't get the job, it's never a bad idea to have your mother put in one last call on your behalf.

-Interview for the job with as many of your alter egos as possible. It's a numbers game.

-Always send a "You're Welcome" note.

Hair Gel Brands

I have a blind date tonight that a friend set me up on. I don't usually wear hair gel, but according to my friend, this girl likes guys with gel hair. I figure, what the heck, let's try something new! What are some of the best brands of hair gel? - Jerry (San Angelo, TX)

List Generated:

-Megatrix Power Hold

-Metal Skull

-Power Tips

-Nestlé Hair Crunchables

-Hair Czar

-Evil Spike

-Locks Locker

-Bench Press

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Aggressive Map Websites

I just moved to a new town and I don't know how to get anywhere around here. Before you ask, yes, I know what Google Maps is, but I'm not satisfied with that interface. It's not aggressive enough. I need a map website that's gonna call me out on my bullshit once in a while. - Benjamin (Havelock, NC)

List Generated:










Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Songs Of The Roaring '20s

I heard a great song on the 1920s station on my satellite radio (The Roar), but by the time I looked at the satellite display, the song was over and I missed the title! Would you mind telling me some of the more popular tunes from that era? Maybe I can track it down that way. - Emma (Sugarville, UT)

List Generated:

-Stock Market Is A Boomin' (Knock On Wood, Knock On Wood) - Fancy Dave Wiemer & His Orchestra

-I'll Be Your Snugglepup (If You'll Be My Tomato) - Grubsteak Kippy & His Orchestra

-(I Love You For Your) Chin-Length Bobbed Haircut - Charlie Charleston & His Orchestra

-Never Won't Be Rich Rag - Flip Flapper & His Orchestra

-Perfect Life (No Foreseeable Troubles On The Horizon) - Foxtrot Hudson & His Orchestra

-Say Mr. Bootlegger (Pour Me Some Of That Noodle Juice) - Ankles Kimberly & His Orchestra

-Look At That GPD Line Climb Flap - Herbert Hoover & His Orchestra

-The Sun Also Swings - Calvin Whangdoodle & His Orchestra

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Step Stools

I'm in the market for a new step stool, but there's so many dang fancy new step stools, I just want to give up already! Can you help an old lady find a nice quality step stool so she can reach the fabric softener above the ice box? - Milly (Liberal, KS)

List Generated:

-Sir Steppy

-GE Scouter*

-Gillette Mach3 Stulesion


-GE Lil' Brother*

-Butterfly of Death Stool

-Mr. Pigeon**

-The Hot Stepper


* - Streams a video feed directly to General Electric

** - Streams a video feed directly to Citigroup

*** - Part instrument, part stool and part artwork, this stool's innovative controls allow anyone to create unique ambient melodies by simply stepping on the stool.

Why Owls Hate You

My family has this amazing log cabin in the woods. It's just a wonderful, invigorating feeling to be out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nature. Except for the owls, which seem to hate me. Why do owls hate me? - Jeremy (Ishpeming, MI)

List Generated:

-You are diurnal.

-You can move your eyes without moving your head.

-You dress kind of boring.

-You can say more than one word.

-You don't contemplate the cosmos or your place in it.

-You don't have piercing black eyes that see right through the flesh, to a man's soul.

-You refuse to swivel your head all the way around, owl style.

-You tend to over explain things.

-You hunt owls.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Things Russian Comedians Say When Doing Impressions Of Blustery Obese Americans

Good evening, I'm Russian comedian working on impressionation of big Americans. Please give me guide in helping me confirm my jokes. I appreciate your. - Vladimir (город Истра, Russian Federation)

List Generated:

-Hot dog sour cream banana, health fitness tomato sauce President.

-Soccer soccer baseball home run.

-Hair gel money Nacho Cheese seat belts.

-Buy low sell high, thunderstorm Nintendo power glove.

-New York Yankees RV Camper Las Vegas wildlife Big Mac.

-Ronald Reagan Jimi Hendrix therapy Berlin Wall.

-Mood Music hello goodbye Miller Lite.

-Dollar dollar hot dog stuffing Thanksgiving.

-Camaro Hummer beach surf board Vin Deisel pretzels The Gap.

-Cheerio bangers and mash trisket meat pie.

-Cookie cookie cookie.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

SXSW Twitter Updates

Me and some friends are making a road trip to Austin for SXSW and we're pumped. I really want to show my friends who couldn't go how much amazing stuff they are missing, so I'm going to update my every experience on Twitter. What should I tweet to maximize their jealousy? - Osborne (North Stephentown, NY)

List Generated:

-Just got my big bag and directories!! Off to Beacon Lounge for free breakfast and an acoustic Big Boi set, should be SWEET.

-Dan Deacon sighting #4 of the day, I think he's following me! And now to eat ANOTHER pulled pork sandwich...

-hahahahaHAHAHAHAHahhahaha, YACHT's got us doing the hokey pokey, so much fun

-Best panel of SX so far: Electropop's Evolution In The Age Of Global Warming Really eye opening.

-No BRITT DANIEL!!! you CAN'T walk up and stand right in front of me at the {{{SUNSET}}} show!!!! BOOOOO!! ok fine

-Free Miller High Life @ the ZUNE TENT, hurrrrrrryyyyyyy!!!!

-Ummmm, impromptu Bon Iver show at Burger King? Yes. That's. Happening. Right. NOW! (PICS TO COME!!!!)

-New fav SXSW moment: dude from Dirty Projectors eating a rib in between songs!! LOLhahahaahAHA

-Just caught the end of Sia's set at the Pig Trough, fuckin' sickmazing.

-I NEED REST!!! But I'm going to go to the American Apparel par-tay insteads 8D

-Didn't anyone tell Peter, Bjorn & John it's not last year?

-Sébastien Tellier just did a keg stand. If anyone's wondering: 12 seconds

-The fat lady's singing (not literally, it's actually Bat For Lashes) Heading home from a magical weekend :(

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

James Bond Movies

My brother just became a Buddhist and gave me his entire DVD collection, which is great for me. Problem is, there are more DVDs than what I have space for in my apartment, so I have to get rid of some of them. Which James Bond movies do you think I should keep? - Alvin (Rupert, WV)

List Generated:

-Permission To Die

-You Are What You Kill

-To Have and To Gold

-The Shepard's Spy

-Dr. Face

-James Bond & Felix Leiter Meet Frankenstein

-A Penny Saved, A Penny Burned

-Let Sleeping Dogs Die


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Australian Lingo

I'm going on a trip to Australia soon and I hope to mix it up with the locals a bit. Just want to know if there are any words or phrases I should be aware of? - Noah (Johnstown, PA)

List Generated:

-aPhone - Australian version of the Motorola Razr V3

-Roohead - Someone who has a kangaroo head for a head.

-High Raiser - To successfully drop kick a tall tourist.

-Aussicopter - Any of a class of heavier-than-air craft that are lifted and sustained in the air horizontally by rotating wings or blades turning on vertical axes fueled by koala blood.

-Gar Gar - When one puts another shrimp onto an already shrimp laden barby.

-Tasmanian Angel - A wild and crazy animal that uses it's ability to spin extremely fast in order to reconstruct ravaged forests.

-Walter Cronkite - A drink consisting of 1 part lemonade and 2 parts ocean water popularized by the famous Australian weatherman Walter Cronkite.

-Muzzi Umphca - To travel by dingo.

-Monday - Sunday

Monday, March 16, 2009

Birthday Gifts For Your Best Friend's New Girlfriend

My best friend invited me to his new girlfriend's birthday party and I sort of feel obligated to get her a gift. Should I get her a gift? I don't know. It just seems weird. I figure it best just to error on the safe side and get her something. What gifts do you think would be a appropriate? - Jerry (Huntsville, AL)

List Generated:

-A Pregnant Cat

-Metal Detector

-2-year subscription to Stuff

-Day-pass to Emeril Lagasse's Carrot Ranch & "Spa"

-House Salad (no tomatoes, Balsamic Vinaigrette on the side please)

-A poem about her entitled Your Eyes Are Like Blue Chocolate

-Pineapple Hat

-Air Mall™ Catalog

-Father of the Bride on Blu-ray


Friday, March 13, 2009

Family Friendly Improv Troops

My comedy loving family and I are going to be going to Chicago soon and we hear that the city is rich with talented improvised comedy troops. I did some research online and there's so many I don't know where to start! Can you list some of the family friendly ones we should check out? - Alex (Idaho Falls, ID)

List Generated:

-Hamsters On Ice!

-The Arnold Improvanators!

-Fun Intended!

-Improvolley For Serve!

-Attack Of The Fifty Foot Waffles!

-Pickles On Roller Skates!

-Watermelon Cookies!

-The Comedafunnies!

-Funk In The Trunk!

-For Unlawful Comedy Knowledge!

-Robots On Water Skies!

-Douche Bags!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Pre-Civilization Barbarian Warlords

I have to write a stupid essay about olden times, when people ate raw meat with their bare hands and dueled with big sticks and stuff. One of the paragraphs has to be about the role that barbarian warlords played in the lives of people and stuff, but I can't find any good information on those guys. So what are some warlords? - Chase (Mammoth, AZ)

List Generated:

-Goblet The Pillager Of Flames

-Logan Beast Tooth

-Doctor Blood Throat*

-King Ostrich

-Chaaazzz The Ruler

-•ªª¶§•∞˙∆©©∂´ The Mentalist*


-Thomas of Hanks

-DJ Dystopian Noah's Arc*


* - Post-Civilization Barbarian Warlord

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Causes Of Traffic

Often when I'm sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I find myself wondering what the cause is. I just don't get it sometimes. Can you tell me what the main causes of traffic are just so I can have a mental image next time I'm in the midst of it? - Theodore (Duck Hill, MS)

List Generated:

-Fender benders caused by people looking for their bluetooth earpiece between the seats.

-Guys who look like Joe Pesci fixing flat tires.

-Stupid orange cones.

-Hackers who hack into the system and hack up the traffic Live Free or Die Hard style.

-Roadside trampoline shows.

-People breaking too much while eating ribs.

-Out of control monster trucks.

-T = 2m·v-(rm·ω)(2m·p)−1·2IωL


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Generic Sodas

The economy is lousy right now and I'm trying to cut costs wherever I can, which means no more fancy name brand sodas for me and the family. Trouble with switching to generic soda is that some of them are really terrible, can you tell me which ones to steer clear of? - Bess (Pipestone, MN)

List Generated:

-Sir Pibber

-Ruby Real Cherry

-Magic Bubble

-Lightning Dew

-Sharp Tooth

-Fizzy Ale

-Orange Avenue


Monday, March 9, 2009

Ford Truck Models

Even though I don't really need it and mother earth is dying because of people like me, I really really want a truck! And not just like a regular truck, like a crazy truck that requires passersby to guide me into a parking spot. Also, I only want a truck that is build Ford tough, so what Ford trucks would you recommend? - Virginia (Malibu, CA)

List Generated:

-Devil Whale



-Mud Tornado

-Dragon Breath

-Jeep Eater




Affordable Seafood Restaurants

I'm on a diet that requires me to eat only fish for the next five months and to be honest, I've never really been a fish person. I've been eating at Red Lobster all month because it's pretty cheap and they have many fish options there, can you suggest some more places along this line? - Mitch (Murrells Inlet, SC)

List Generated:

-Fish Bone Depot

-The Lonely Mermaid*

-Gross Oyster Supper Club

-The Crust Station

-Crab Pier

-Crawdaddio's Maritime Eatery

-The Mollusk's Tufted Gills*

-Seafood Restaurant

* - Also a strip club

Thursday, March 5, 2009

'60s Textbooks

I'm a set designer for a new sitcom that takes place in the
Berkeley Student Bookstore circa 1969, and I need to get my hands on a bunch of textbooks from the '60s. Can you tell me what some of the more widely published titles were? - Anna (Blue Mound, IL)

List Generated:

-A Journey Into Hippie Math

-Psychedelic Research Methods (3rd Edition)

-Statistics in the Age of Aquarius

-Wavy Gravonomics: Business Strategy In The Cosmic Giggle

-Student Pocket Helper: A Guide To Turning On, Tuning In and Dropping Ineffective Study Habits

-The New Oxford Triptionary

-Lucy In The Sky With An Introduction To Basic Algebraic Diamond Equations

-Making Acid

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Knife Games

I've been running my biker bar, Archie's Sawdust Tavern, for 10 or so years, and lately business has been on the down slope. I figure the solution is to introduce some new knife games to the regulars and hope that they spread the word that Archie's has the best knife games around. I just know old ones, but if you could suggest some knew ones, I won't hunt you down and dismantle you piece by piece. - Archie (Scottsbluff, NE)

List Generated:

-Knuckle Cuts


-Taunt The One-Armed Knifer

-Duck Duck Knife


-Blind Butcher

-The Lonesome Knife

-Butterfly Showdown

-Luck of the Swiss


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Ways To Conserve Water

California is in the midst of an all out drought right now which means the price of water is most likely going to start going up. I want to do my part to conserve water, what are some easy ways I can cut down on my water consumption? - Andy (Kerman, CA)

List Generated:

-If you're feeling thirsty, chew some juicy bubble gum.

-Hand wash dishes with scolding hot water, it'll force you to hurry up.

-Bath your dog in Dr. Pepper, there's plenty of that.

-Just fill the shallow end of your swimming pool.

-When a recipe calls for water, ignore that part.

-Use one of those crappy sprinklers where the water barely dribbles out.

-When someone washes their hands in your home, stand a few feet away with your arms folded, shaking your head disapprovingly.

-Use less water.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Unique Baby Names

I'm due to have my baby in two months and my husband and I have yet to settle on a name. We both want something unique so that he or she gets extra attention in life. Can you suggest some baby names that are sure to turn heads? - Reba (Snow Hill, NC)

List Generated:




-Wood Demon


-Moon Patriot