Friday, February 27, 2009

Things Personal Trainers Yell

I'm a rookie Personal Trainer and I've been told the best way to motivate people is to yell at them. But I don't want to just yell any random thing, so I thought it best to consult with you in this matter. What's the best thing to yell at people to get them to do more physical training even though they're tired and want to give up? Drink Gatorade. - Terrance (Lewiston, ID)

List Generated:


-Harness your inner core circle!

-Pretend I'm a bear and I'm chasing you!

-I know I'm yelling, but that's just because it's loud in here!

-Have you heard the new Belle & Sebastian EP? It's a little more lively than their older stuff! That said! They'll never top If You're Feeling Sinister!

-I'll be right back!

-Peanut Butter! Jelly! Peanut Butter! Jelly!

-That row machine isn't going to row itself, give me six more rows!

-I'm motivating you!

-Can I borrow six dollars?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Obscure Music Sub-Genres

I'm so sick of all the regular music in my Winamp library, it's all so easily classified, ya know? Are there any cool sub-genres you can refer to me so I can start my quest into stuff no one's ever heard of? - Winnie (Polk City, IA)

List Generated:

-Cookie Gaze

-Storage Unit Rock

-Folkcore Zydeco


-Jock Jazz



-Silly Metal

-Acid World

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Independently Owned Motels

My fiancée and I are going on a cross country trip soon. Our plan is to sort of play it by ear and not stick to any kind of strict schedule, which means we'll be staying in a lot of motels. Aside from the major chains, what are some of the more trustworthy establishments? - Preston (Port Angeles, WA)

List Generated:

-Superb 8

-Harry's House of Lodge

-Fan-C Beds Elegant Roadside Manner

-Dragon Rooster Motor Lot

-Motel Flickering M

-Razzle & Dazzle Inn


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Pho Restaurants

I'm opening up a new Pho restaurant and noticed that most of the other Pho restaurants in the neighborhood tend to work the word Pho creatively into their names, (i.e. Photastic Pho). A lot of the good Pho names are already taken, can you provide me a list of some available ones? - Tammy (Princess Anne, MD)

List Generated:


-Campus Pholice


-Pho Money, Pho Problems

-Poisonous Phobra



-Pho Pho Gadget Umbrella Hat

-Phopher Grace


Monday, February 23, 2009

Common Recurring Nightmares

Ever since I was little kid, I've had these recurring nightmares. I've always wondered if they were specific to me, or if other people got these too. Can you tell me some common recurring nightmares that people have? - Ronald (Goose Creek, SC)

List Generated:

-Mall security guard accuses you of stealing from Sunglass Hut even though you paid for sunglasses.

-Mother forces you to eat an entire chocolate cake while gym teacher forces you to do hundreds of pull ups.

-No matter what you do, helicopter won't start.

-Your home internet is going really slow, so all your teeth fall out.

-Salesman at Sunglass Hut turns into a cobra and bites your hand, forcing you to drop stolen sunglasses.

-You're the only person wearing a powder blue tuxedo at a ruby red tuxedo party.

-Fish monsters sitting at table next to you in the library won't shut up.

-Lettuce on ever growing sandwich is pretty soggy.

-Swimming from shark who's teeth are made out of stolen sunglasses.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Books About Making Independent Films

I've written this amazing film about a guy who works in a motel and lives in a competing motel and now I want to make it! There's a lot of books out there that supposedly have the answers to all of my big questions (raising money, how to be artistic, distribution, etc.). Which books will be most helpful? - Wilbur (Maynardville, TN)

List Generated:

-Be An Indie Film Rebel: Harnessing Your Heart's Rebel To Make An Indie Flick

-Take This Film and Shove/Sell It: The Rebel Producer's Guidebook

-A Camera, A Bleeding Heart & A Little Luck: Get Your Indie Film Made For A Dollar A Day

-Go Ahead, Make My Film: Stick It To The Man With These Rebellious Low Budget Filmmaking Techniques

-Learn From My Mistakes: A Filmmaker's Guide By Someone Who Never Got His Film Made :(

-Maverick's Guide To Making Your Film While Remaining True To Your Inner Rebel

-Budget Film Rebel's Chaperone

-Film Insurgent: Crashing The Hollywood Party With Your Dream Film

-The P.F.R. (Pocket Film Rebel)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

'70s Cop Shows

I grew up on a US army base in Germany and as a result I missed out on '70s pop culture completely. Right now I'm on a big cop show kick, are there any '70s cop shows you can recommend? - Jason (Fishers, IN)

List Generator:

-Jabrowski & Mitchelowski

-Frisco Brass


-Horse Policeman

-Saint & Lewis

-D.I.S.C.O. Narcs

-Madame Cop

-Turkin & Babbit


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Things Suddenly Self Aware Ants Say To Regular Ants

From what I understand, ants are pretty stupid as individuals, but impressively intelligent as a collective. I guess it's called "bottom up" or "emergence" intelligence. Whatever. My question is: If and when one of these ants suddenly becomes self aware of his/her situation, what will he/she try to tell the other ants? - Susan (Olivet, MI)

List Generated:

-Instead of carrying this tiny piece of hot dog bun back to the mound, let's just take it somewhere else and we can totally scarf on it and not do any work for the rest of our 60-90 day lives.

-I hate that big sneaker that ruins all of our hard work.

-Sometimes I feel like being able to carry 10-20 times my own weight is more of a curse than a blessing.

-Have you found Ant-Jesus?

-What do you like building more, tunnels or mounds? I'm more of a mound guy.

-Have you read Emergence by Steven Johnson? There's absolutely nothing in there about some ants becoming self aware, looks like our secret is safe... for now.

-Do we sleep?

-I wish some of you other ants were self aware, it's kind of lame being the only one.

-I'm in the mood for hot dog bun.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Nicknames For Wades

Typically guys with the name Wade don't have nicknames for some reason. Maybe because it's one symbol already or something, I don't know. It's not really a big deal or anything, but I really want a nickname. If you were to give me a nickname what would it be? - Wade (Wade, MO)

List Generated:

-LL Cool Wade


-Wade Froggs

-Double Dribble**

-Wade of Honor

-Water Walker

-Wade Misérables

-Hand Grenade Wade

-Milky Wade*

-Lamp Shwade


* - If Wade has an interest in space.

** - If Wade plays a lot of basketball.

Business Letter Closings

I am so sick of writing "Regards" or "All the best" at the end of my business letters and emails; those are so played out! There must be more exciting terms, but I just have no idea what they are. Can you help me out? - Joshua (Blanding, UT)

List Generated:

-Rest in peace,

-Always in your prayers,

-Hang on... I have to take this,

-You owe me,

-God bless the United States of America and protect her from her enemies,

-Bounce pass,

-With measured respect,

-These pills are kicking in,


Friday, February 13, 2009

New ABC Shows

I love my ABC programs, but I'm starting to get tired of some of them. I think it's time to swap out some of the old for some of the new. I can usually tell which shows I'll enjoy by reading the title, so can you share with me the titles of the new shows? - Maud (Middlebury, VT)

List Generated:

-Time Stands Phil

-Eating, Drinking and Being Mary

-Manny Issues

-Darwin's Evolution

-Impressionistic Arthur

-Mustang Sally

-Steve Unrepentant

-Deja Vuronica

-Mary Christmas


Wednesday, February 11, 2009


I recently began shaving my face regularly and I feel like it's time to buy one of those sleek razors they have at the pharmacy. There's a ton of different types and I was hoping you could help me focus down my search if it's not too much trouble. No rush or anything. - Henderson (Tupelo, MS)

List Generated:

-Schick TriMp3

-Absolute Zerofier

-XtraSmooth Thunderbolt

-Bounty Hairer Taker Outter

-Dual Edge SubPlucker

-HyperBlader Silky Glide

-Platinum Prune2


-Gillette Diez

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Student Film Endings

My Film Tech teacher says the most important part of any film is the ending, but I'm afraid that is the part I am having the most trouble with. Can you suggest some possible endings to my first student film please? - Ray (Yakima, WA)

List Generator:

-Girl realizes that the girl she has been suffocating with a pillow is actually... herself.

-Homeless man takes off his ratty coat revealing he's actually a nicely dressed business man.

-Guy overdoses.

-A couple seconds after the girl is sucked into the computer, another girl sits down at the computer and the words "Hello Lisa" appear on the monitor, implying that the whole process is about to go down again.

-Man realizes that he is the homeless man that warned him at the beginning of the film.

-Woman shakes man awake and he realizes he hasn't actually interviewed for the job yet.


-Guy is now trapped in the mirror.

-Homeless woman takes the seeds that the little boy gave her and plants them.

-Painter paints himself dying and then dies.

-Girl throws the flower into the water.

Chad Kroeger Side Projects

I'm a huge Nickelback fan. I have all six of their albums and the Spiderman soundtrack; but I'm still not satisfied, I need more. I recently heard that Chad Kroeger was working on some side projects, do you happen to the names of these bands? - Blanche (Walterboro, SC)

List Generated:


-Soot Penchant

-Song Horse


-Sound Belter



-Three Garden


Monday, February 9, 2009

Inexpensive Dates For Helmet Enthusiasts

I recently registered with a dating website for helmet loving singles. I already have a date lined up, but I don't have much money and I want to prove to this girl that I love helmets. Do you have any date ideas? - Caleb (Roanoke, VA)

List Generated:

-If it's a rainy day, make a fire, lay out some old newspaper and give an old helmet a fresh paint job together.

-Throw tennis balls at each other's helmets.

-Go to a coffee shop and look at Polaroids of your helmet collections.

-Lay on some grass, stare up at the clouds, and describe your ideal helmets to each other.

-Take a road trip on March 26th to Spruce Pine, NC for the Helmet-a-rama Convention for the widest array of Giro Helmets this side of Spruce, (sponsored by Giro Helmets).

-Find a nice park bench and make fun of all the people not wearing helmets.

-Helmet museum.

Friday, February 6, 2009

NASCAR Drivers

I’m sort of a new comer to NASCAR and I really don’t know who any of the drivers are outside of the superstars like Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson. Who are some of the other drivers I should be keeping an eye out for? – Ira (New Iberia, LA)

List Generated:

-Chirps Dalehardt

-Austin Rickety

-McDonald's Burger King

-Haste Pursuiter

-Darby Chirphardt Jr.

-Ken “Tucky” Kentucky

-Zap Zippidyzoom

-Leak Dribble

-Chadder Mudson

-Gramps Chirpendale Jr.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Car Air Fresheners

Whenever I go to the car wash I want to buy one of those air fresheners. Problem is, there are so many wonderful looking options, my brain shuts down and I just end up not getting one. Sometimes I even pass out. So tell me, which fresheners are the best ones? – Diana (Loup City, NE)

List Generated:

-Pert Pluspourri

-Recently Purchased Car

-Ranch Dressing

-Unsullied Textbook

-Spilt Perfume

-Rainforest Patchouli

-Fresh Tennis Ball

-Creepy Jelly

-Mermaid Hair


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Prince Interview Pull Quotes

Sup, I write for Spin Magazine, maybe you’ve heard of it. Anyways, I interviewed Prince recently, went pretty rad. Cool guy, we hung out at his guitar shaped pool drinking smoothies, just sort of shooting it. Like I said, pretty rad right. Sup, anyways, I’m really tired and I need a nap bad, can you do the pull quotes of the interview for me, I’ll owe you. – Lars (Telegraph City, CA)

List Generated:

-“My upcoming album is a single 95-minute sex funk song about cumulous clouds. The working title is Sexy Funky Cumulous Clouds

-“I’ve always tried to avoid surfaces that aren’t covered with swan feathers.”

-"Only God can make a Prince song."

-“I guess the album in my discography I’m most proud of is the Batman soundtrack. That one-two punch of Partyman and Batdance, I’ve never topped it.”

-“Wait. So you're saying that I wrote Manic Monday?”

-“It’s not my pool that’s shaped like a guitar, it’s my guitar that is shaped like a pool.”

-“If I could time travel, I'd probably go to the future, get a swan feathered jet pack, then go give it to myself in 1981 for the Controversy tour.”

-“Wouldn’t it be amazing if rain was purple?”

-“I’ve been toying with changing my name into an origami swan.”

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Gatorade Flavors

I’m a track runner, which means I sweat a lot. So when I need to replenish my electrolytes, there’s only one drink I turn to, Gatorade. Also Powerade. And in a jam water. Thing is, I’m bored with the original lemon/lime flavor, which of the other flavors would you vouch for? – Carl (Cairo, GA)

List Generated:


-Banana Tantrum

-Fierce Intensified Extreme Master Blaster Berry


-Bull Stabber Performance Blue

-Grapestreme Velocity

-Straight Up Green


Monday, February 2, 2009

Racehorse Names

Me and a few guys from the office decided we’re going to buy a racehorse. Since I know absolutely nothing about horses they’re taking care of all the heavy lifting and have charged me with coming up with a name. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a namer as it turns out either. Can you suggest some racehorse names? – Duncan (Ironville, PA)

List Generated:

-Go Go Gadget Horse Legs

-Mr. Carrot Enjoyer

-Hip To Be Whipped

-Alex Trifecta

-Ponies Are Not “Baby Horses”, They’re Just Small Full Grown Horses

-Easter Bunny Jr.

-Happy Birthday Brian, You’re Our Favorite Grandson

-Injected With Extra Equine Hormones

-Big Smelly Teeth