Saturday, December 27, 2008

Jim Morrison Biographies

My friends and me just recently discovered The Doors and I am waaaaaaay into these guys. I checked the movie and torrented their entire discography and I’m still hungry for more. There are literally hundreds of Jim Morrison Biographies on the market, will you narrow down the options to the best ones please? – Sammy (Wausau, WI)

List Generated:

-Lizards & Native Americans: The Jim Morrison Story

-Inside The Mind of The Lizard King

-The Boy Who Would Be King of the Lizards: Morrison’s Early Life

-The Morrison of Perception

-Kilmer on Morrison

-The Bathtub Poems: Crappy Poems Jim Morrison Wrote Just Before Faking His Death

-Girl This Couldn’t Get Much Better: An entire 658 page book dedicated to that one Ed Sullivan Show story

-Jim Morrison: Terrible Sophomoric Poetic Voice of the 60’s

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Top Selling Holiday Season Toys

Call me a terrible parent, but I just got my son and daughter their Christmas presents last minute yesterday. It was pretty slim pickins' at the toy store, was wondering what I may have missed out on. - Jerry (La Pine, OR)

List Generated:

-Action Squares!

-Roartholomew The Ruffian Prince: Warrior Lord, Son of King Volusomon (with axe set)


-Robot Friend


-Monopoly: Dora The Explorer Edition

-Zamboni Fighters

-Lil' Miss Latte Maker


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Scrabble Words (With Definitions)

I’m flying home for the holidays and that means I’m going to be goaded into playing at least one or two games of Scrabble against my pretentious brother and his well read wife. Just once I’d like to beat them, can you recommend some good Scrabble words and define them if it’s not too much trouble? – Judith (Fort Bragg, NC)

List Generated:

-Leeoablex – A process a peach undergoes.

-Xzxeoloo – Entomologist term for the timid way insects say hello for the first time.

-Syo – What humans will say in reverence of their mighty World King in 3009 A.A.D.

-Lyii – When 3 or more person gather around a plate of clams.

-Eeeeeeeiiiuu – What the mighty World King replies when greeted with a “Syo”.

-Vuxtab – To purposefully inject a monkey with a highly contagious end game disease.

-Kropduxt – To successfully knock down eight straight 3-pointers when no one is looking.

-Yicku – To be 90% sure of something.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Last Month’s Maxim’s Feature Articles

Hey, I don’t know if this is the right place to direct my question, but I didn’t get a chance to read last month’s Maxim, would you tell me what the features were? It’s the one with Julia Louis-Dreyfus on the cover. – Talbot (Cooeville, TN)

List Generated:

-Bro Lessons: Cheat On Your Taxes!

-Beat Up A Bouncer

-Never Buy Milk Again

-Top Scuba Gear That Will Help You Pick Up Chicks

-22 Reasons Ribs Are Better Than Women

-Interview With That Hot Chick From The New KFC Commercial

-How To Trick Your Girlfriend Into Having A Threesome With Your Ex

-Be The Perfect Wing Man... and Get Some Tail

-The 3 Anton Chekhov Novellas That Will Make Any Girl Think Your Smart

-Don't Be A Dink, Buy That New Braun Electric Razor, It’s Self Cleaning

Monday, December 22, 2008

What Ducks Dream About

I can't remember where, but I once read that dogs dream about running. I don’t know if this is true or not, but more importantly, can you tell me what ducks dream about? - Iggy (Pine Bluff, AR)

List Generated:


-Hanging with the cool ducks

-Having two bills

-Having no bill*

-Electric sheep

-Swimming in a vault filled with gold coins

-Sexy ducks

-Flying for longer than 10 seconds at a time

-Time travel

-A world with no bread*

* - Nightmare

Friday, December 19, 2008

'50s Dance Crazes

When I was a teenager, me and my friends would do the neatest dances. Even back then, there were so many crazes it was hard to keep up with, but now I can't seem to remember any of them. Would you be so kind as to rekindle my memory? - Monica (Java, SD)

List Generated:

-The Penicillin

-The Row Boat

-The Happy Loman

-The Walrus Flop

-The Nuclear Hop

-The Eat Red Meat Bop

-The Truman

-The Segregation

-The Atlas Shrug

-The Hate All Commies

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Term Paper Notes

As a TA for an undergrad class called "Intro To Term Paper Concepts" at the University of Iowa (go Hawkeyes!) I find myself constantly writing the same ineffective notes on all of my students' papers. What would you suggest I write that would compel them in the right direction on their next papers? - Tammy (Iowa City, IA)

List Generated:

-Be more aware of noun usage.

-Sweaters are lovely.

-Concisicize this paragraph.

-Make more grammar here.

-Not sure what you mean by, "creepy sweater people". What makes them "creepy"?

-Happy-up this part.


-Not everyone looks fat in a sweater.

-This part better not be plagiarized, I'll be looking into this.

-I happen to think sweaters with Hawkeyes on them are cute and that wearing a sweater with your school mascot on it shows school spirit. We're not all disaffected youths you know.

-Re-write this in pen.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Names of Future NFL Quarterbacks

My wife and I are expecting a baby boy any day now and we still haven't settled on a name. I want to give my son the best possible chance of growing up to be a great NFL quarterback, and that all starts with his name. Can you please help us out? - Joey (Elko, NV)

List Generated:

-Trip Macaroy

-Duke Waterfowl

-Jeffis Murdercycle

-Cole Trotsky

-Flake Seizemore*

-Steve Fluesy*

-Jeronimo Powers

-Jerry Stevey*

-Ducacus Huckabee*

-Coz Thunderbullet

-Pete Jickles*

-Trotter Dawson

-Ankle Kimberly*

* - Second String

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Obscure X-Men Characters

I'm a casual fan of X-Men, got into the movies first then kind of went back and discovered the comics. Mostly I stick to the issues that prominently feature the characters that I'm familiar with from the movies, are there any cool lesser known characters I'm missing out on? - Rene (Norfolk, NE)

List Generated:

-Fossil (Can sense the presence of fossils)

-Licker (Has tongues growing out of his hands)

-Wolf Irene (Just like Wolverine)

-Glassknee (Turns his own knees into glass)

-Bounce Pass (Court vision)

-Oily (Terrible skin)

-Polaroid (Sweet at math)

-Katerax (Ability to add layers to his eyes)

-Mosh (Appreciates grunge music)

-Elegant (Can wear tuxedo)

-Arby (No powers)

Monday, December 15, 2008

What To Expect When Going To World Market

My girlfriend is always trying to drag me into this place World Market, but I always manage to avoid it. She keeps trying to convince me that I'm missing out and that there's a lot of cool stuff there that I would really like. What's the deal with that place, what exactly do they sell there? - Ted (Fort Wayne, IN)

List Generated:

-Wicker Neckerchiefs

-Elegantly Framed Advertisements

-Shower Chimes

-Swiss Chocolate Mustard

-Organic Firewood

-Bamboo Arrows

-Rustic Dining Pillows

-Wrought Iron Argentine Royal Peasant Benches

-Floating Toothpick Baskets

-Wine Candles

-Bottled Cheetos

Friday, December 12, 2008

Improve Left Hand Dexterity

I am right handed. There is very little I can do with my left hand at all. I feel I'm missing out on a lot, and would like to improve the dexterity of what is currently little more than dead weight at the end of my left arm. What would you suggest for someone in my position? - Paul (Rockledge, FL)

List Generated:

-Start easy -- use your left hand to scrawl letters to that girl you like but are afraid to talk to.

-Squeeze cupcakes.

-Have your right thumb surgically moved to the other side of your right hand.

-Don’t skimp when hiring a hand tutor, you’ll save money down the road.

-Practice throwing apples to monkeys with your left hand, then do it for real.

-When picking out a new left hand, give the fingers a good shake. If the hand is good, the fingers should be pliable and very few will fall off.

-Shoot footage of left-handers at the grocery store going about their routine. If they catch you, drop some cans of soup and walk away.

-If you have extra disposable income, get a doctor to imprint you with a lifetime of left-hand knowledge by jabbing a syringe into your brain filled with memory fluid (like at the end of Dark City).


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Brian Dennehy Straight To DVD

Recently I was browsing the racks at my local video store and came across a plethora of Brian Dennehy films I had never heard of before, (apparently these never got theatrical release). I'm a huge Dennehy fan, and plan on watching them all at some point, but I was hoping you could recommend which ones I should start with. - Joseph (New Port Richey, FL)

List Generated:

-Special Effects 3

-Hoop Shots

-Mr. Slam Dunk

-Brian Dennehy's Basketball Lessons For Huskies (Volumes 1-14)

-The Red Patent Leather Jacket

-World's Fair 78,893 A.D.

-False Cop


-See If Dennehy's Available: The Brian Dennehy Story

-Grumpy Claus

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Tips For Dealing With Cold Ketchup

I just got back from Burger King and noticed they didn't put any ketchup in the bag and I love to dip my fries in ketchup before I eat them. I have some ketchup in my fridge, but I hate putting cold ketchup on hot food. Any suggestions? - Ben (Milford, MA)

List Generated:

-Let sit until ketchup reaches room temperature.

-Force ketchup into conditions of extreme stress, then be kind to it, repeat process until getting the information desired.

-Microwave ketchup for forty minutes.

-Pretend to leave the room, then turn around quickly and yell "Ha" at maximum decibels permitted by landlord.

-Laugh at it's jokes whether you find them funny or not.

-Play some Al Green, earlier stuff.

-Use mustard, ranch and/or mayo to induce jealousy.

-Challenge it to a pull-ups contest, even if you lose, the ketchup will probably be warm.

-Eat ribs instead.