Racehorse Names

Me and a few guys from the office decided we’re going to buy a racehorse. Since I know absolutely nothing about horses they’re taking care of all the heavy lifting and have charged me with coming up with a name. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a namer as it turns out either. Can you suggest some racehorse names? – Duncan (Ironville, PA)

List Generated:

-Go Go Gadget Horse Legs

-Mr. Carrot Enjoyer

-Hip To Be Whipped

-Alex Trifecta

-Ponies Are Not “Baby Horses”, They’re Just Small Full Grown Horses

-Easter Bunny Jr.

-Happy Birthday Brian, You’re Our Favorite Grandson

-Injected With Extra Equine Hormones

-Big Smelly Teeth

-Oceantruffle

People You’ll Encounter At A Rock Show

I’m really into bands; I go to their websites and I have over 157 gigs of music in my iTunes, all of it amazing. Anyways, I’ve never been to a show, but I definitely plan on it some day, what should I expect to see? – Holden (Round Rock, TX)

List Generated:

-Seven-foot guy who stands a few people in front of you, swaying gently back and forth.

-Girls with Cat Power/Feist hair.

-Throw up girl (with crying best friend and/or annoyed boyfriend).

-Seventy-year-old man who knows every word to every song.

-Blogger who watches the entire show through his digital camera.

-Self-conscious guy with horn-rimmed glasses who occasionally catches himself grooving a little too hard and then checks to see if anyone noticed.

-German girl who’s at the wrong show.

-Dude who knows the bassist for the opening band.

-Al Jardine.

Kerouac Excerpts

All my friends are suddenly way into Beat culture and they walk around writing poems and ranting and quoting Dharma Bums and stuff. They keep telling me to read all these Jack Kerouac books, but I just don't have time to do that until after finals. Can you just give me a crib sheet so I can hang until then? - Neal (Dover, MA)

List Generated:

- ...and Bird Parker, jazz father I never had, on wings made of notes, blowing sweet heaven sounds, dream beings floating, flo-at-ing the system into a new dream all together...

- ...the winds, asking me for samples of my hair and blood type, I sit on my car hood, gazing at the moon man, asking him how it feels to have the American flag stuck in his eye...

- ...meanwhile, Dean sat in the bathtub reading The Condition of the Working Class in England‎, his fingers tearing out the pages as he exclaimed, "we never saw it coming man" Dean, Dean-o, Dean-o-rama, Deaner, Deanski...

- ...and the road is infinite, like a sideways eight that's never gonna end, dig, I took a bennie and the stars began to cough...

- ...so I Zenned up to her, staring at her cracked lips, she at mine, I made with a ciggy, and jazzed her hair with my fingertip, then whispered in her ear, you dig Bird Parker? and she jazzed...

- ...sweet Frisco, gold in your lungs and your crooked streets like derelict bones, the last chance of a country still in the womb, man I need some heroin, do you know anyone who sells heroin?

-When I first met Ballen Binsberg and Billiam B. Burroughs I knew that those cats were Jazz.

- ...and so I'm blowing smoke into the paper in the typewriter and watching it disperse when the two forces meet, I'm typing words, Beat words, I'm typing Be-at words onto the page in front of me, the typewriter is clacking, clacking and snapping like a radiant moon, jazz, stars, Zen, Beat, bennies...

IHOP Breakfast Specials

As a regular patron at IHOP (yes, I claim my free breakfast every birthday!) I was wondering if you could suggest some new breakfast specials for them. I’m truly sick of the 6 they’ve had for -what seems like- forever. – Jill (Kalispell, MT)

List Generated:

-Proper Dopper Pancakes

-Flibbertigibbet’s Fl”eggs” Florentine

-Public Domain Mouseycakes!

-Ruby Snooby Saber Toothy Hamcakes & Baconaffles

-Hungry Kid’s Eggellette Basket

-Eggs-ala-Hamburger!

-For Whom The French Toasts

Men's Magazines

There's so many magazines to choose from these days, I don't know which ones to read. I'm always keeping an eye out for the next Maxim or Stuff, any publications you can recommend? – Jay (Appomattox, VA)

List Generated:

-Sup Brah

-Cozmobroham

-Suit Buyer

-Muscle Gearer

-Dude Guidance

-Broficionado

-Clooney

Discount Haircuts

I am currently: out of work, very broke, about to go to a job interview and have very shaggy unprofessional looking hair. Can you recommend a place to get a haircut for under $20? - Sal (Leupp, AZ)

List Generated:

-Trimskers

-Dazzle Bangs*

-Triad Cut Alliance

-Snip Station

-Bargain Slicers*

-Mane Wranglers

-SeverLocks

* - Free wash with coupon

Study Tips

I just started my first semester at Penn State and I’m totally in over my head with school work! I just crammed my way through High School, but I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore. Can you give me some effective studying tips? – Darlene (University Park, PA‎)

List Generated:

-While reading, change the channel on your television to something informative.

-Set your study strobe to a relaxing 10 FPS.

-Replace the lyrics to Subterranean Homesick Blues with science facts.

-Use your time wisely; get a little extra studying done during study breaks.

-When you achieve a high mark on a paper or test, reward yourself with money.

-Shower study.