Poplular Emoticons

I'm a recently divorced father trying to stay involved with my two kids. Unfortunately, my job is relocating me to a different city and the only way I'll be able to stay in touch with them is through instant messaging. Can you give me the hottest, hippest new emoticons and their meanings? I want my kids to love me! – Kyle (Pagedale, MO)

List Generated:

- }{ - All ears

- C****O – Busy playing Pacman

- &(*)^$&)(*^(*()^^@@! – Shift key is stuck

- :j – Lopsided smile with dimple

- %( - Glasses broke

- C1_0%!!! – Just got approved for a Capital One card with 0% APR for a whole year

- ==)))))) D-8 – Being chased by ribs

- :$ - Eat money

- -------8<> - Kite

- R-() – My eyes have been exposed to radiation

Niche Deodorants

Every time I go to my organic pharmacy I notice all these niche deodorants in the deodorant aisle. I like my current brand fine and all, but I’m always in the market for something better. Which ones are worth their weight? – Marty (Spencer, OK)

List Generated:

-Uncle Bartlebee’s Armpit Elixir

-Perspiration Disappointer

-Noroma

-I Can’t Believe It’s Not Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex Gly Compounds

-Odor Thirster

-Farewell Damp

-Assurance

-Pit Warden

Medical Jargon

I just started dating a nurse and I really like her. The only problem is, when she tells me stories about her job she has a habit of slipping into “nurse speak”. No matter how hard I try, I eventually tune out because I have no idea what she’s talking about. So for the sake of me not screwing up a good thing, can you please decode some of this medical jargon for me? – Cliff (Saint Cloud, MN)

List Generated:

-Stuccabolectomy - Surgical removal of a stucca: This patient has an engorged stucca, looks like we’ll be doing a stuccaboletomy. This is my fifth one today. I hate stuccaboletomies.

-Glover – A territorial nurse who insists on being the nurse who puts gloves on a surgeon: What do you think you’re doing Todd, everyone knows that I’m the glover. I’ve earned this.

-Swillpanda – Infant who only consumes bamboo: Poor thing, only eats bamboo, I blame the mother for his case of swillpanda.

-Claudette – Endearing nickname for the machine that converts nurse tears into electricity: If Todd tries to put gloves on a surgeon one more time, I’m gonna send him to Claudette. God knows we could use the electricity she would generate with his tears.

-Goggles – Nickname for that one janitor who wears sports goggles sometimes: Goggles!!!

-Gastrodiplocerebral – Patient has second brain in stomach: I’m envious of that gastrodiplocerbral in room 3c, if I had a second functioning brain in my stomach, I probably wouldn’t visit Claudette so often, but God knows we could use the electricity she generates with my tears.

-Hemoignite Damage – Patient’s acid blood is burning holes in the floor: Goggles! Mop up that blood before there’s more hemoignite damage!

-CPK Infection – California pizza kidney infection: I’m staaaaaarrrrving, let’s order some CPK Infection.

New President's Eve Traditions

Over the years, as it's become more and more commercialized, I've stopped celebrating New President's Eve. But this year I'm genuinely excited for the holiday, and I want my kids to have fond memories to tell their children one day. So I was wondering if you could brush me up on the traditions. - Lauren (Dallas, OR)

List Generated:

-Dance around the pumpkin.*

-Reading of All the President's Men in it's entirety to the kids (ideally by a fireplace).

-The watching of CNN.

-Seed fights.

-Candy for dinner.*

-Shaving of the town's heaviest sheep.**

-Painting of your neighbor's gazebo.*

-Listening of Manheim Steamroller's 42-minute rendition of Grand Old Flag.

-Chin-up contest.**

* - Preceded by seed fight

** - Followed by seed fight

Resume Boosters

Just graduated from college and it's time for me to get a job. I don't have much real world experience outside of an internship for a small ad agency; and I didn't do much there besides answer the phones and make some copies. Can you help me bolster my resume with some creatively worded achievements? - Ingrid (Kokadjo, ME)

List Generated:

-Orchestrated the duplication of parking tickets, credit reports & Maxim articles for immediate supervisor.

-Conducted requests with custodial services in order to determine them where to clean up.

-Recruited self to accurate prioritization orgnizationalizing of menu book via alphanumeric filing system.

-Completed high impact internet research multitasking.

-Knowledgeable of valuable confidential documents stored in the Berger, Tazmania & Oaker third floor safe.

-Coordinated and managed myself in the handling of incoming & outgoing voice telemessages.

-Successfully utilized microwave, toaster oven & hot plate to develop the heating of various edibles.

-Facilitated the usage of action words to provide resume with the impression of professionalism.

Unhealthy Fast Food Salads

My new year's resolution this year is to lose weight. I eat a lot of fast food, but I thought I was doing OK because I've been sticking to salads. Unfortunately I've just learned that not all salads are healthy. This is totally stressing me out, can you please give me a heads up as to which salads to steer clear of. - Blane (Kennewick, WA)

List Generated:

-5-Meat Pizza Salad Grinder (Dominoes)

-Quarter Pounder With Salad* (McDonalds)

-The Colonel's Mashed n' Fried Salad Bucket (KFC)

-The Krisper (Krispy Kreme)

-Chalupa Saladilla (Taco Bell)

-Five Dollar Double Guac Bacon Westerner (Carl's Jr.)

-Oven Roasted Angus Cheesesteak Salad (Quiznos)

-The BK Clogger (Burger King)

* - Not a salad

British Names

I'm an American secret agent who's about to go deep under cover in the UK. I'll be needing an authentic sounding British name if I'm going to infiltrate the highest offices of their government. Could you please suggest some potential names for my mission? - Classified (Classified, Classified)

List Generated:

-Crisp Tilbrook

-Douglas Royal Anchor

-Alec Zander Tea

-Tim Timothy Oxfordham

-Jasper Rubbish

-Sir Lord Junior III

-Rigby Manners

-Adelia Bubbles

-Tristan Wonky