Q2 LEW-J7KV LIST GENERATOR

'80s WWF Wrestlers

2009-04-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm a professional wrestler. When I got hit in the head the other day with a flying elbow drop, I lost a good portion of my memory. Now I must watch a lot of tapes from the 1980s to recapture my love of the sport. Who were the best WWF wrestlers? - Joshua (Lock Haven, PA)

List Generated:

-The Russian Nuke

-Captain Tugboat

-The Hawaii Brothers*

-Scrappy Doug Andrewson

-Baby Bok Choy

-Whip Crackers*

-Al Bino

-The Yankee Doodle Man

-Poised Peter

-Red Leprechaun

-Groom

* - Tag Team

Cracker Barrel Gift Shop Items

2009-04-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday I run down to the Cracker Barrel and order me up a Uncle Herschel’s Favorite® breakfast. Afterwards, I like to peruse the knickknacks and such at the gift shop. Typically, my journeys take me directly to the candy jars and I don't get to see what else they have there. So, what else do they have there? - Herbert (Wisconsin Dells, WI)

List Generated:

-Dolly Parton Salad Plate Collection

-Wire Panda Statue

-Chocolate Hen Cage

-Peg-Tac-Toe

-Country Quilt Shirts

-Wood Dust Candles

-"Deal With It or Deal With Me" T-shirt

-Auntie Babs's Assorted Fancy Jams

-Singing Table Rabbit

-Old Fashioned Sodie

-Duck Hats

Things To Check For Before Moving Into A House Built Atop A Dormant Volcano

2009-04-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

My wife and I just had our second child and we need to move into a larger house. Luckily, we found this amazing deal where the developer sealed up the business end of a dormant volcano with cement and then built a beautiful three-bedroom house on top of it. The price is certainly right, but can you think of any reasons why we shouldn't move into it? Can you get back to me soon, I understand there's another couple interested. - Forest (Mauna Kea, HI)

List Generated:

-Before signing that lease, make sure the volcano is actually a volcano and not a mudcano. Nobody wants to live atop a mudcano, dormant or not.

-Visit the house at night, just to get a better sense of how safe the neighborhood is.

-Be sure the developer didn't originally seal the volcano with concrete for the purpose of trapping a demon or some other evil spirit.

-Check for hot floors regularly.

-Make sure your children's school has a bus that can drive up the side of a dormant volcano.

-If something is too good to be true, it might just be. Find out why the price is so low.

-Dormant volcanoes are mother earth's dried up tear ducts. Never forget that.

Meat Loaf Tribute Bands

2009-04-08T18:09:00.000-07:00

Me and my friends love to rock nonstop to Meat Loaf, so we're taking it one step further and bringing our passion to the people, tribute band style. Anyways, most of the good ML trib names are taken, will you help us out with some 'gestions? - Roy (Punxsutawney, PA)

List Generated:

-The Little Loaves

-The Words You Took Right Out Our Mouths

-Bats Out of Loaf

-The Flying Loafcycles

-Meat Loaf Jrs.

-Bastard Sons of Marvin Lee Aday

-Our Name Is Robert Paulson

-Loaf Zeppelin*

* - Also a Led Zeppelin tribute band

Rarely Used Fonts

2009-04-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm writing an essay for my European History class and I really want it to pop off of the page, so I figured I'd use a font my Prof won't see coming. What are some sweet fonts that most people don't use? - Katie (Clifton, TX)

List Generated:

-Illegible Script Condensed

-Judas Kitten

-Bold & Fat

-Typewriter With Broken R Key

-Times New Spartan

-Creepy Satan Worshipy Letters MT

-Ye Olde English Fonte

-Arrows & Pointy Fingers

-Helvetica Jr.

-Undifferentiated Squares Bitmap

-Confused Orphan

Chapters In A Book Entitled 'In A Perfect World...'

2009-04-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a book entitled: 'In A Perfect World...' In it, I talk about all the things that I think the world should do without. While I'm never short of an unpopular opinion on a subject, I don't really know where to start when it comes to organizing my thoughts. I think it'd help if you could give me chapter titles, then I can just riff, Dennis Miller style. - Ryan (Core City, MI)

List Generated:

-Introduction: So You Thought The World Was Perfect? I Have Some Disappointing News...

-The Importance Of Abolishing Soda

-7 Reasons Not To Use Plastic Cups

-7 More Reasons Not To Use Plastic Cups

-Physical "Education"

-A Few Things You Should Know Before Eating Meat

-People Should Use Bicycles Instead Cars

-All Veggie Burgers Should Be Square

-Sports: How They Distract Us From What's Really Important

-Why We're Better Off Without Pandas

-1991-1995, The Only Years In Music That Matter

-Your Cellphone Is A Digital Leash

-Conclusion: I Told You The World Wasn't Perfect

Steven Seagal Movies

2009-04-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am an expert in the field of Human Dynamics and I happened to watch the film "Above The Law" on the television this evening. I must say, I have never seen an individual run like that before. I'd like to see more footage of this Steven Seagal so that I may study this peculiar motion. Can you suggest some more of his films? Preferably with revenge plots. - Hubert (Bogalusa, LA)

List Generated:

-Beg To Differ

-Of Solid Honor

-Out For Bounty

-Snows That Bleed

-Death Matters

-Quarter Till Vengeance

-All's Not Quiet

-Eskimo Sunset

Bath & Bodyworks Aroma Therapy Candles

2009-04-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm feeling down or just not like myself, I spark up a fat Bath & Bodyworks aroma therapy candle and then just chill out or whatever. The thing is, when you're at the B&B, you can't exactly test out their candles. Sure, you can smell them unlit and all, but that's just not the same and you know it. What are the best smelling candles that will relax me? - Rick (Green River, WY)

List Generated:

-Comfortable Watermelon

-Angel's Wing

-Rainkissed Pillow

-Lethargic Vanilla Bunny

-Honey Mantra

-Goodnight Nurse

-Zest of Meatball

-Cocoa Pebble Leaf

-Uncontrollable Laughter

-Sleepy Fingers

-Blood Thirst

Jazz Musician Nicknames

2009-04-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to this jazz club tonight where there are a lot of hep cats who really know their stuff. I'm pretty new to jazz in many respects, and don't always know who they're talking about once the jazz conversations start going down. Can you clue me in? - Donald (Hilton Head Island, SC)

List Generated:

-"Blow" Davis (Miles Davis)

-"Professor Magic Fingers" Monk (Thelonius Monk)

-"Bass Hand" Mingus (Charles Mingus)

-"Crazy Cheeks" (Louis Armstrong)

-"Fe-Robocop" (Billie Holiday)

-"Assemblyman" Coltrane (John Coltrane)

-"Dave" Brubeck (Dave Brubeck)

-"Tonight Show" Eubanks (Kevin Eubanks)

-"Gold Man Sax" (Bird Parker)

14th Century Sneeze Responses

2009-04-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

My daughter has a very bad cold and is constantly sneezing. No matter how many times me and my wife say "Bless you," it seems to do nothing to make her better. I understand that our 14th-century ancestors cured the sniffles with different responses; can you please tell me what they were so that our daughter can be saved? - Zachariah (Nampa, ID)

List Generated:

-Do not threaten me witch.

-Thou fakes a demon expulsion for our lord's sympathy!

-I know your secrets now!

-Cleanliness. Purity. Cleanliness.

-Brapples thou?

-Beware! You've released the jackrabbit's soul!

-Then it is settled.

-So the mentalist can speak! I was beginning to worry.

-Mos Bless.

Office April Fools' Day Pranks

2009-04-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Every single year I find myself on the wrong side of office April Fools' Day pranks. This year, however, I vow to be the one who's doing the fooling! Can you suggest some solid never-fail office pranks? - Vicky (Provo, UT)

List Generated:

-Convince everyone in your office's chin-up contest that it's actually a pull-up contest. Then, just as time runs out, yell "it actually was a chin-up contest, April Fools!"

-Pour Dr. Pepper all over your cubicle neighbor's keyboard, it'll make the keys stick to her fingers!

-Make your co-worker's cereal magically float out of the bowl while he's alone, but when someone comes into the room have it crash to the ground. He'll think he's going crazy and no one will believe him when he tries to explain what happened!

-While the office mother sparrow is sleeping, gently lift her up and steal her eggs. When she starts to freak out, explain to her the custom of April Fools' Day in terms a sparrow would understand!

-Get to work early and re-route the back-siphon to a copper indirect tank. Later in the day, when no one's looking, channel the UPVC through a down pipe header and put an extra clamp on the basin cistern!

-Throw a banana peel in front of the portly janitor carrying a tall, wobbly stack of pies!

-Find out which of your co-workers has a crippling fear of the apocalypse. Next, set up a rear projection system outside her window. Then, play footage of a nuclear bomb going off in the distance. Sit back and laugh as she totally freaks out!

-Switch the "Pull" and "Push" signs on your office building's fire escapes, (don't forget to switch them back on April 2nd or else you can get in trouble!)!

Meteorologists

2009-03-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

I'm almost done achieving my B.S. in meteorology at the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology and then it's off into the highly competitive world of meteorology. My mentor says that the quickest way to become a working meteorologist is to have a catchy name. Can you suggest some please? - Joe (Rapid City, SD)

List Generated:

-Rip N. Thunders

-Carl Cumulus

-Amber Prophesy

-Froggy Hoppers

-Friendly Skyhumper

-Sunder Storms

-Aaron Accutemperature

-Sorceress Marge

-Mos Bless

Job Interview Follow Up Tips

2009-03-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a job interview and I think it went pretty well. I want to stay on their radar without appearing too desperate, do you have any good tips? - Abigail (Gromore, WA)

List Generated:

-Send over a nice basket of kittens with a card thanking them for considering you for the job.

-Make polite follow up calls once a week for two years whether the position has been filled or not.

-Photoshop yourself onto the cover of Time Magazine with the headline "Your Future Employee!" and slip it into your prospective employer's mail.

-If it's been over a month and you still haven't been given an answer, stand outside of the office building on a rainy night screaming "COWARDS!" School Ties style.

-Follow the person who interviewed you around for a couple of days and "coincidentally" bump into them several times. They'll think it's a sign to hire you.

-Casually mention to the company's receptionist that there is a bidding war heating up over you.

-If you find out you didn't get the job, it's never a bad idea to have your mother put in one last call on your behalf.

-Interview for the job with as many of your alter egos as possible. It's a numbers game.

-Always send a "You're Welcome" note.

Hair Gel Brands

2009-03-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have a blind date tonight that a friend set me up on. I don't usually wear hair gel, but according to my friend, this girl likes guys with gel hair. I figure, what the heck, let's try something new! What are some of the best brands of hair gel? - Jerry (San Angelo, TX)

List Generated:

-Megatrix Power Hold

-Metal Skull

-Power Tips

-Nestlé Hair Crunchables

-Hair Czar

-Evil Spike

-Locks Locker

-Bench Press

Aggressive Map Websites

2009-03-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

I just moved to a new town and I don't know how to get anywhere around here. Before you ask, yes, I know what Google Maps is, but I'm not satisfied with that interface. It's not aggressive enough. I need a map website that's gonna call me out on my bullshit once in a while. - Benjamin (Havelock, NC)

List Generated:

-MapThreat.net

-XtremeMapAxer.com

-DontYouKnowWhereAnythingIs.com

-YourOtherLeft.com

-SpinalMap.com

-DevilRoutes.com

-MapAttaX.com

-NotYourMammasDirections.com

-MapHuntress.com

Songs Of The Roaring '20s

2009-03-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

I heard a great song on the 1920s station on my satellite radio (The Roar), but by the time I looked at the satellite display, the song was over and I missed the title! Would you mind telling me some of the more popular tunes from that era? Maybe I can track it down that way. - Emma (Sugarville, UT)

List Generated:

-Stock Market Is A Boomin' (Knock On Wood, Knock On Wood) - Fancy Dave Wiemer & His Orchestra

-I'll Be Your Snugglepup (If You'll Be My Tomato) - Grubsteak Kippy & His Orchestra

-(I Love You For Your) Chin-Length Bobbed Haircut - Charlie Charleston & His Orchestra

-Never Won't Be Rich Rag - Flip Flapper & His Orchestra

-Perfect Life (No Foreseeable Troubles On The Horizon) - Foxtrot Hudson & His Orchestra

-Say Mr. Bootlegger (Pour Me Some Of That Noodle Juice) - Ankles Kimberly & His Orchestra

-Look At That GPD Line Climb Flap - Herbert Hoover & His Orchestra

-The Sun Also Swings - Calvin Whangdoodle & His Orchestra

Step Stools

2009-03-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm in the market for a new step stool, but there's so many dang fancy new step stools, I just want to give up already! Can you help an old lady find a nice quality step stool so she can reach the fabric softener above the ice box? - Milly (Liberal, KS)

List Generated:

-Sir Steppy

-GE Scouter*

-Gillette Mach3 Stulesion

-Port-a-stepper

-GE Lil' Brother*

-Butterfly of Death Stool

-Mr. Pigeon**

-The Hot Stepper

-Eno***

* - Streams a video feed directly to General Electric

** - Streams a video feed directly to Citigroup

*** - Part instrument, part stool and part artwork, this stool's innovative controls allow anyone to create unique ambient melodies by simply stepping on the stool.

Why Owls Hate You

2009-03-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

My family has this amazing log cabin in the woods. It's just a wonderful, invigorating feeling to be out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nature. Except for the owls, which seem to hate me. Why do owls hate me? - Jeremy (Ishpeming, MI)

List Generated:

-You are diurnal.

-You can move your eyes without moving your head.

-You dress kind of boring.

-You can say more than one word.

-You don't contemplate the cosmos or your place in it.

-You don't have piercing black eyes that see right through the flesh, to a man's soul.

-You refuse to swivel your head all the way around, owl style.

-You tend to over explain things.

-You hunt owls.

Things Russian Comedians Say When Doing Impressions Of Blustery Obese Americans

2009-03-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

Good evening, I'm Russian comedian working on impressionation of big Americans. Please give me guide in helping me confirm my jokes. I appreciate your. - Vladimir (город Истра, Russian Federation)

List Generated:

-Hot dog sour cream banana, health fitness tomato sauce President.

-Soccer soccer baseball home run.

-Hair gel money Nacho Cheese seat belts.

-Buy low sell high, thunderstorm Nintendo power glove.

-New York Yankees RV Camper Las Vegas wildlife Big Mac.

-Ronald Reagan Jimi Hendrix therapy Berlin Wall.

-Mood Music hello goodbye Miller Lite.

-Dollar dollar hot dog stuffing Thanksgiving.

-Camaro Hummer beach surf board Vin Deisel pretzels The Gap.

-Cheerio bangers and mash trisket meat pie.

-Cookie cookie cookie.

SXSW Twitter Updates

2009-03-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Me and some friends are making a road trip to Austin for SXSW and we're pumped. I really want to show my friends who couldn't go how much amazing stuff they are missing, so I'm going to update my every experience on Twitter. What should I tweet to maximize their jealousy? - Osborne (North Stephentown, NY)

List Generated:

-Just got my big bag and directories!! Off to Beacon Lounge for free breakfast and an acoustic Big Boi set, should be SWEET.

-Dan Deacon sighting #4 of the day, I think he's following me! And now to eat ANOTHER pulled pork sandwich...

-hahahahaHAHAHAHAHahhahaha, YACHT's got us doing the hokey pokey, so much fun

-Best panel of SX so far: Electropop's Evolution In The Age Of Global Warming Really eye opening.

-No BRITT DANIEL!!! you CAN'T walk up and stand right in front of me at the {{{SUNSET}}} show!!!! BOOOOO!! ok fine

-Free Miller High Life @ the ZUNE TENT, hurrrrrrryyyyyyy!!!!

-Ummmm, impromptu Bon Iver show at Burger King? Yes. That's. Happening. Right. NOW! (PICS TO COME!!!!)

-New fav SXSW moment: dude from Dirty Projectors eating a rib in between songs!! LOLhahahaahAHA

-Just caught the end of Sia's set at the Pig Trough, fuckin' sickmazing.

-I NEED REST!!! But I'm going to go to the American Apparel par-tay insteads 8D

-Didn't anyone tell Peter, Bjorn & John it's not last year?

-Sébastien Tellier just did a keg stand. If anyone's wondering: 12 seconds

-The fat lady's singing (not literally, it's actually Bat For Lashes) Heading home from a magical weekend :(

James Bond Movies

2009-03-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

My brother just became a Buddhist and gave me his entire DVD collection, which is great for me. Problem is, there are more DVDs than what I have space for in my apartment, so I have to get rid of some of them. Which James Bond movies do you think I should keep? - Alvin (Rupert, WV)

List Generated:

-Permission To Die

-You Are What You Kill

-To Have and To Gold

-The Shepard's Spy

-Dr. Face

-James Bond & Felix Leiter Meet Frankenstein

-A Penny Saved, A Penny Burned

-Let Sleeping Dogs Die

-Goldquaker

Australian Lingo

2009-03-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm going on a trip to Australia soon and I hope to mix it up with the locals a bit. Just want to know if there are any words or phrases I should be aware of? - Noah (Johnstown, PA)

List Generated:

-aPhone - Australian version of the Motorola Razr V3

-Roohead - Someone who has a kangaroo head for a head.

-High Raiser - To successfully drop kick a tall tourist.

-Aussicopter - Any of a class of heavier-than-air craft that are lifted and sustained in the air horizontally by rotating wings or blades turning on vertical axes fueled by koala blood.

-Gar Gar - When one puts another shrimp onto an already shrimp laden barby.

-Tasmanian Angel - A wild and crazy animal that uses it's ability to spin extremely fast in order to reconstruct ravaged forests.

-Walter Cronkite - A drink consisting of 1 part lemonade and 2 parts ocean water popularized by the famous Australian weatherman Walter Cronkite.

-Muzzi Umphca - To travel by dingo.

-Monday - Sunday

Birthday Gifts For Your Best Friend's New Girlfriend

2009-03-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

My best friend invited me to his new girlfriend's birthday party and I sort of feel obligated to get her a gift. Should I get her a gift? I don't know. It just seems weird. I figure it best just to error on the safe side and get her something. What gifts do you think would be a appropriate? - Jerry (Huntsville, AL)

List Generated:

-A Pregnant Cat

-Metal Detector

-2-year subscription to Stuff

-Day-pass to Emeril Lagasse's Carrot Ranch & "Spa"

-House Salad (no tomatoes, Balsamic Vinaigrette on the side please)

-A poem about her entitled Your Eyes Are Like Blue Chocolate

-Pineapple Hat

-Air Mall™ Catalog

-Father of the Bride on Blu-ray

-Wicker

Family Friendly Improv Troops

2009-03-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

My comedy loving family and I are going to be going to Chicago soon and we hear that the city is rich with talented improvised comedy troops. I did some research online and there's so many I don't know where to start! Can you list some of the family friendly ones we should check out? - Alex (Idaho Falls, ID)

List Generated:

-Hamsters On Ice!

-The Arnold Improvanators!

-Fun Intended!

-Improvolley For Serve!

-Attack Of The Fifty Foot Waffles!

-Pickles On Roller Skates!

-Watermelon Cookies!

-The Comedafunnies!

-Funk In The Trunk!

-For Unlawful Comedy Knowledge!

-Robots On Water Skies!

-Douche Bags!

Pre-Civilization Barbarian Warlords

2009-03-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have to write a stupid essay about olden times, when people ate raw meat with their bare hands and dueled with big sticks and stuff. One of the paragraphs has to be about the role that barbarian warlords played in the lives of people and stuff, but I can't find any good information on those guys. So what are some warlords? - Chase (Mammoth, AZ)

List Generated:

-Goblet The Pillager Of Flames

-Logan Beast Tooth

-Doctor Blood Throat*

-King Ostrich

-Chaaazzz The Ruler

-•ªª¶§•∞˙∆©©∂´ The Mentalist*

-Appendixheart

-Thomas of Hanks

-DJ Dystopian Noah's Arc*

-Garbanzo

* - Post-Civilization Barbarian Warlord

Causes Of Traffic

2009-03-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

Often when I'm sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I find myself wondering what the cause is. I just don't get it sometimes. Can you tell me what the main causes of traffic are just so I can have a mental image next time I'm in the midst of it? - Theodore (Duck Hill, MS)

List Generated:

-Fender benders caused by people looking for their bluetooth earpiece between the seats.

-Guys who look like Joe Pesci fixing flat tires.

-Stupid orange cones.

-Hackers who hack into the system and hack up the traffic Live Free or Die Hard style.

-Roadside trampoline shows.

-People breaking too much while eating ribs.

-Out of control monster trucks.

-T = 2m·v-(rm·ω)(2m·p)−1·2IωL

-Hippies.

Generic Sodas

2009-03-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

The economy is lousy right now and I'm trying to cut costs wherever I can, which means no more fancy name brand sodas for me and the family. Trouble with switching to generic soda is that some of them are really terrible, can you tell me which ones to steer clear of? - Bess (Pipestone, MN)

List Generated:

-Sir Pibber

-Ruby Real Cherry

-Magic Bubble

-Lightning Dew

-Sharp Tooth

-Fizzy Ale

-Orange Avenue

-Fenk

Ford Truck Models

2009-03-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

Even though I don't really need it and mother earth is dying because of people like me, I really really want a truck! And not just like a regular truck, like a crazy truck that requires passersby to guide me into a parking spot. Also, I only want a truck that is build Ford tough, so what Ford trucks would you recommend? - Virginia (Malibu, CA)

List Generated:

-Devil Whale

-Meddler

-Habanero

-Mud Tornado

-Dragon Breath

-Jeep Eater

-Rampage

-Unithorn

-Consume

Affordable Seafood Restaurants

2009-03-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

I'm on a diet that requires me to eat only fish for the next five months and to be honest, I've never really been a fish person. I've been eating at Red Lobster all month because it's pretty cheap and they have many fish options there, can you suggest some more places along this line? - Mitch (Murrells Inlet, SC)

List Generated:

-Fish Bone Depot

-The Lonely Mermaid*

-Gross Oyster Supper Club

-The Crust Station

-Crab Pier

-Crawdaddio's Maritime Eatery

-The Mollusk's Tufted Gills*

-Seafood Restaurant

* - Also a strip club

'60s Textbooks

2009-03-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm a set designer for a new sitcom that takes place in the
Berkeley Student Bookstore circa 1969, and I need to get my hands on a bunch of textbooks from the '60s. Can you tell me what some of the more widely published titles were? - Anna (Blue Mound, IL)

List Generated:

-A Journey Into Hippie Math

-Psychedelic Research Methods (3rd Edition)

-Statistics in the Age of Aquarius

-Wavy Gravonomics: Business Strategy In The Cosmic Giggle

-Student Pocket Helper: A Guide To Turning On, Tuning In and Dropping Ineffective Study Habits

-The New Oxford Triptionary

-Lucy In The Sky With An Introduction To Basic Algebraic Diamond Equations

-Making Acid

Knife Games

2009-03-04T10:35:00.000-08:00

I've been running my biker bar, Archie's Sawdust Tavern, for 10 or so years, and lately business has been on the down slope. I figure the solution is to introduce some new knife games to the regulars and hope that they spread the word that Archie's has the best knife games around. I just know old ones, but if you could suggest some knew ones, I won't hunt you down and dismantle you piece by piece. - Archie (Scottsbluff, NE)

List Generated:

-Knuckle Cuts

-Twitchblade

-Taunt The One-Armed Knifer

-Duck Duck Knife

-Slitter

-Blind Butcher

-The Lonesome Knife

-Butterfly Showdown

-Luck of the Swiss

-Knifeketball

Ways To Conserve Water

2009-03-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

California is in the midst of an all out drought right now which means the price of water is most likely going to start going up. I want to do my part to conserve water, what are some easy ways I can cut down on my water consumption? - Andy (Kerman, CA)

List Generated:

-If you're feeling thirsty, chew some juicy bubble gum.

-Hand wash dishes with scolding hot water, it'll force you to hurry up.

-Bath your dog in Dr. Pepper, there's plenty of that.

-Just fill the shallow end of your swimming pool.

-When a recipe calls for water, ignore that part.

-Use one of those crappy sprinklers where the water barely dribbles out.

-When someone washes their hands in your home, stand a few feet away with your arms folded, shaking your head disapprovingly.

-Use less water.

Unique Baby Names

2009-03-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm due to have my baby in two months and my husband and I have yet to settle on a name. We both want something unique so that he or she gets extra attention in life. Can you suggest some baby names that are sure to turn heads? - Reba (Snow Hill, NC)

List Generated:

-Prey

-J/B/ill

-Joestradamus

-Wood Demon

-Hockey

-Moon Patriot

-Alanore

-Trumpet

-π©¥´†®¬˙ƒ®

-Tamper

-Neurosurgeon

Things Personal Trainers Yell

2009-02-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

I'm a rookie Personal Trainer and I've been told the best way to motivate people is to yell at them. But I don't want to just yell any random thing, so I thought it best to consult with you in this matter. What's the best thing to yell at people to get them to do more physical training even though they're tired and want to give up? Drink Gatorade. - Terrance (Lewiston, ID)

List Generated:

-Pooooouuuuuuussssssssshhhhhhhh!

-Harness your inner core circle!

-Pretend I'm a bear and I'm chasing you!

-I know I'm yelling, but that's just because it's loud in here!

-Have you heard the new Belle & Sebastian EP? It's a little more lively than their older stuff! That said! They'll never top If You're Feeling Sinister!

-I'll be right back!

-Peanut Butter! Jelly! Peanut Butter! Jelly!

-That row machine isn't going to row itself, give me six more rows!

-I'm motivating you!

-Can I borrow six dollars?!?!?!?!?!?!

Obscure Music Sub-Genres

2009-02-26T10:30:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick of all the regular music in my Winamp library, it's all so easily classified, ya know? Are there any cool sub-genres you can refer to me so I can start my quest into stuff no one's ever heard of? - Winnie (Polk City, IA)

List Generated:

-Cookie Gaze

-Storage Unit Rock

-Folkcore Zydeco

-Post-Slopicalia

-Jock Jazz

-R&B...&G

-Gospeltronica

-Silly Metal

-Acid World

Independently Owned Motels

2009-02-25T15:13:00.000-08:00

My fiancée and I are going on a cross country trip soon. Our plan is to sort of play it by ear and not stick to any kind of strict schedule, which means we'll be staying in a lot of motels. Aside from the major chains, what are some of the more trustworthy establishments? - Preston (Port Angeles, WA)

List Generated:

-Superb 8

-Harry's House of Lodge

-Fan-C Beds Elegant Roadside Manner

-Dragon Rooster Motor Lot

-Motel Flickering M

-Razzle & Dazzle Inn

-Bones's

Pho Restaurants

2009-02-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'm opening up a new Pho restaurant and noticed that most of the other Pho restaurants in the neighborhood tend to work the word Pho creatively into their names, (i.e. Photastic Pho). A lot of the good Pho names are already taken, can you provide me a list of some available ones? - Tammy (Princess Anne, MD)

List Generated:

-Phonomepho

-Campus Pholice

-Phosferatu

-Pho Money, Pho Problems

-Poisonous Phobra

-Unbelievapho

-L-M-N-O-Pho

-Pho Pho Gadget Umbrella Hat

-Phopher Grace

-Phoenix

Common Recurring Nightmares

2009-02-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was little kid, I've had these recurring nightmares. I've always wondered if they were specific to me, or if other people got these too. Can you tell me some common recurring nightmares that people have? - Ronald (Goose Creek, SC)

List Generated:

-Mall security guard accuses you of stealing from Sunglass Hut even though you paid for sunglasses.

-Mother forces you to eat an entire chocolate cake while gym teacher forces you to do hundreds of pull ups.

-No matter what you do, helicopter won't start.

-Your home internet is going really slow, so all your teeth fall out.

-Salesman at Sunglass Hut turns into a cobra and bites your hand, forcing you to drop stolen sunglasses.

-You're the only person wearing a powder blue tuxedo at a ruby red tuxedo party.

-Fish monsters sitting at table next to you in the library won't shut up.

-Lettuce on ever growing sandwich is pretty soggy.

-Swimming from shark who's teeth are made out of stolen sunglasses.

Books About Making Independent Films

2009-02-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

I've written this amazing film about a guy who works in a motel and lives in a competing motel and now I want to make it! There's a lot of books out there that supposedly have the answers to all of my big questions (raising money, how to be artistic, distribution, etc.). Which books will be most helpful? - Wilbur (Maynardville, TN)

List Generated:

-Be An Indie Film Rebel: Harnessing Your Heart's Rebel To Make An Indie Flick

-Take This Film and Shove/Sell It: The Rebel Producer's Guidebook

-A Camera, A Bleeding Heart & A Little Luck: Get Your Indie Film Made For A Dollar A Day

-Go Ahead, Make My Film: Stick It To The Man With These Rebellious Low Budget Filmmaking Techniques

-Learn From My Mistakes: A Filmmaker's Guide By Someone Who Never Got His Film Made :(

-Maverick's Guide To Making Your Film While Remaining True To Your Inner Rebel

-Budget Film Rebel's Chaperone

-Film Insurgent: Crashing The Hollywood Party With Your Dream Film

-The P.F.R. (Pocket Film Rebel)

'70s Cop Shows

2009-02-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

I grew up on a US army base in Germany and as a result I missed out on '70s pop culture completely. Right now I'm on a big cop show kick, are there any '70s cop shows you can recommend? - Jason (Fishers, IN)

List Generator:

-Jabrowski & Mitchelowski

-Frisco Brass

-Knifer

-Horse Policeman

-Saint & Lewis

-D.I.S.C.O. Narcs

-Madame Cop

-Turkin & Babbit

-Murphs

Things Suddenly Self Aware Ants Say To Regular Ants

2009-02-18T11:28:00.000-08:00

From what I understand, ants are pretty stupid as individuals, but impressively intelligent as a collective. I guess it's called "bottom up" or "emergence" intelligence. Whatever. My question is: If and when one of these ants suddenly becomes self aware of his/her situation, what will he/she try to tell the other ants? - Susan (Olivet, MI)

List Generated:

-Instead of carrying this tiny piece of hot dog bun back to the mound, let's just take it somewhere else and we can totally scarf on it and not do any work for the rest of our 60-90 day lives.

-I hate that big sneaker that ruins all of our hard work.

-Sometimes I feel like being able to carry 10-20 times my own weight is more of a curse than a blessing.

-Have you found Ant-Jesus?

-What do you like building more, tunnels or mounds? I'm more of a mound guy.

-Have you read Emergence by Steven Johnson? There's absolutely nothing in there about some ants becoming self aware, looks like our secret is safe... for now.

-Do we sleep?

-I wish some of you other ants were self aware, it's kind of lame being the only one.

-I'm in the mood for hot dog bun.

Nicknames For Wades

2009-02-17T12:12:00.000-08:00

Typically guys with the name Wade don't have nicknames for some reason. Maybe because it's one symbol already or something, I don't know. It's not really a big deal or anything, but I really want a nickname. If you were to give me a nickname what would it be? - Wade (Wade, MO)

List Generated:

-LL Cool Wade

-Wadestronaut*

-Wade Froggs

-Double Dribble**

-Wade of Honor

-Water Walker

-Wade Misérables

-Hand Grenade Wade

-Milky Wade*

-Lamp Shwade

-Swish**

* - If Wade has an interest in space.

** - If Wade plays a lot of basketball.

Business Letter Closings

2009-02-17T11:47:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of writing "Regards" or "All the best" at the end of my business letters and emails; those are so played out! There must be more exciting terms, but I just have no idea what they are. Can you help me out? - Joshua (Blanding, UT)

List Generated:

-Rest in peace,

-Always in your prayers,

-Hang on... I have to take this,

-You owe me,

-God bless the United States of America and protect her from her enemies,

-Bounce pass,

-With measured respect,

-These pills are kicking in,

-Google,

New ABC Shows

2009-02-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

I love my ABC programs, but I'm starting to get tired of some of them. I think it's time to swap out some of the old for some of the new. I can usually tell which shows I'll enjoy by reading the title, so can you share with me the titles of the new shows? - Maud (Middlebury, VT)

List Generated:

-Time Stands Phil

-Eating, Drinking and Being Mary

-Manny Issues

-Darwin's Evolution

-Impressionistic Arthur

-Mustang Sally

-Steve Unrepentant

-Deja Vuronica

-Mary Christmas

-Deb

Razors

2009-02-11T21:31:00.000-08:00

I recently began shaving my face regularly and I feel like it's time to buy one of those sleek razors they have at the pharmacy. There's a ton of different types and I was hoping you could help me focus down my search if it's not too much trouble. No rush or anything. - Henderson (Tupelo, MS)

List Generated:

-Schick TriMp3

-Absolute Zerofier

-XtraSmooth Thunderbolt

-Bounty Hairer Taker Outter

-Dual Edge SubPlucker

-HyperBlader Silky Glide

-Platinum Prune2

-Five-Attack

-Gillette Diez

Student Film Endings

2009-02-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

My Film Tech teacher says the most important part of any film is the ending, but I'm afraid that is the part I am having the most trouble with. Can you suggest some possible endings to my first student film please? - Ray (Yakima, WA)

List Generator:

-Girl realizes that the girl she has been suffocating with a pillow is actually... herself.

-Homeless man takes off his ratty coat revealing he's actually a nicely dressed business man.

-Guy overdoses.

-A couple seconds after the girl is sucked into the computer, another girl sits down at the computer and the words "Hello Lisa" appear on the monitor, implying that the whole process is about to go down again.

-Man realizes that he is the homeless man that warned him at the beginning of the film.

-Woman shakes man awake and he realizes he hasn't actually interviewed for the job yet.

-Suicide.

-Guy is now trapped in the mirror.

-Homeless woman takes the seeds that the little boy gave her and plants them.

-Painter paints himself dying and then dies.

-Girl throws the flower into the water.

Chad Kroeger Side Projects

2009-02-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

I'm a huge Nickelback fan. I have all six of their albums and the Spiderman soundtrack; but I'm still not satisfied, I need more. I recently heard that Chad Kroeger was working on some side projects, do you happen to the names of these bands? - Blanche (Walterboro, SC)

List Generated:

-Kroegerback

-Soot Penchant

-Song Horse

-7Heart

-Sound Belter

-Kroegs

-Metaler

-Three Garden

-Creed

Inexpensive Dates For Helmet Enthusiasts

2009-02-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

I recently registered with a dating website for helmet loving singles. I already have a date lined up, but I don't have much money and I want to prove to this girl that I love helmets. Do you have any date ideas? - Caleb (Roanoke, VA)

List Generated:

-If it's a rainy day, make a fire, lay out some old newspaper and give an old helmet a fresh paint job together.

-Throw tennis balls at each other's helmets.

-Go to a coffee shop and look at Polaroids of your helmet collections.

-Lay on some grass, stare up at the clouds, and describe your ideal helmets to each other.

-Take a road trip on March 26th to Spruce Pine, NC for the Helmet-a-rama Convention for the widest array of Giro Helmets this side of Spruce, (sponsored by Giro Helmets).

-Find a nice park bench and make fun of all the people not wearing helmets.

-Helmet museum.

NASCAR Drivers

2009-02-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

I’m sort of a new comer to NASCAR and I really don’t know who any of the drivers are outside of the superstars like Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jimmie Johnson. Who are some of the other drivers I should be keeping an eye out for? – Ira (New Iberia, LA)

List Generated:

-Chirps Dalehardt

-Austin Rickety

-McDonald's Burger King

-Haste Pursuiter

-Darby Chirphardt Jr.

-Ken “Tucky” Kentucky

-Zap Zippidyzoom

-Leak Dribble

-Chadder Mudson

-Gramps Chirpendale Jr.

Car Air Fresheners

2009-02-05T09:45:00.000-08:00

Whenever I go to the car wash I want to buy one of those air fresheners. Problem is, there are so many wonderful looking options, my brain shuts down and I just end up not getting one. Sometimes I even pass out. So tell me, which fresheners are the best ones? – Diana (Loup City, NE)

List Generated:

-Pert Pluspourri

-Recently Purchased Car

-Ranch Dressing

-Unsullied Textbook

-Spilt Perfume

-Rainforest Patchouli

-Fresh Tennis Ball

-Creepy Jelly

-Mermaid Hair

-Deli

Prince Interview Pull Quotes

2009-02-04T11:28:00.000-08:00

Sup, I write for Spin Magazine, maybe you’ve heard of it. Anyways, I interviewed Prince recently, went pretty rad. Cool guy, we hung out at his guitar shaped pool drinking smoothies, just sort of shooting it. Like I said, pretty rad right. Sup, anyways, I’m really tired and I need a nap bad, can you do the pull quotes of the interview for me, I’ll owe you. – Lars (Telegraph City, CA)

List Generated:

-“My upcoming album is a single 95-minute sex funk song about cumulous clouds. The working title is Sexy Funky Cumulous Clouds”

-“I’ve always tried to avoid surfaces that aren’t covered with swan feathers.”

-"Only God can make a Prince song."

-“I guess the album in my discography I’m most proud of is the Batman soundtrack. That one-two punch of Partyman and Batdance, I’ve never topped it.”

-“Wait. So you're saying that I wrote Manic Monday?”

-“It’s not my pool that’s shaped like a guitar, it’s my guitar that is shaped like a pool.”

-“If I could time travel, I'd probably go to the future, get a swan feathered jet pack, then go give it to myself in 1981 for the Controversy tour.”

-“Wouldn’t it be amazing if rain was purple?”

-“I’ve been toying with changing my name into an origami swan.”

Gatorade Flavors

2009-02-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

I’m a track runner, which means I sweat a lot. So when I need to replenish my electrolytes, there’s only one drink I turn to, Gatorade. Also Powerade. And in a jam water. Thing is, I’m bored with the original lemon/lime flavor, which of the other flavors would you vouch for? – Carl (Cairo, GA)

List Generated:

-Orangedurance

-Banana Tantrum

-Fierce Intensified Extreme Master Blaster Berry

-Qwenchamelon

-Bull Stabber Performance Blue

-Grapestreme Velocity

-Straight Up Green

-Rasp-Factor

Racehorse Names

2009-02-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

Me and a few guys from the office decided we’re going to buy a racehorse. Since I know absolutely nothing about horses they’re taking care of all the heavy lifting and have charged me with coming up with a name. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a namer as it turns out either. Can you suggest some racehorse names? – Duncan (Ironville, PA)

List Generated:

-Go Go Gadget Horse Legs

-Mr. Carrot Enjoyer

-Hip To Be Whipped

-Alex Trifecta

-Ponies Are Not “Baby Horses”, They’re Just Small Full Grown Horses

-Easter Bunny Jr.

-Happy Birthday Brian, You’re Our Favorite Grandson

-Injected With Extra Equine Hormones

-Big Smelly Teeth

-Oceantruffle

People You’ll Encounter At A Rock Show

2009-01-30T10:53:00.000-08:00

I’m really into bands; I go to their websites and I have over 157 gigs of music in my iTunes, all of it amazing. Anyways, I’ve never been to a show, but I definitely plan on it some day, what should I expect to see? – Holden (Round Rock, TX)

List Generated:

-Seven-foot guy who stands a few people in front of you, swaying gently back and forth.

-Girls with Cat Power/Feist hair.

-Throw up girl (with crying best friend and/or annoyed boyfriend).

-Seventy-year-old man who knows every word to every song.

-Blogger who watches the entire show through his digital camera.

-Self-conscious guy with horn-rimmed glasses who occasionally catches himself grooving a little too hard and then checks to see if anyone noticed.

-German girl who’s at the wrong show.

-Dude who knows the bassist for the opening band.

-Al Jardine.

Kerouac Excerpts

2009-01-29T09:42:00.000-08:00

All my friends are suddenly way into Beat culture and they walk around writing poems and ranting and quoting Dharma Bums and stuff. They keep telling me to read all these Jack Kerouac books, but I just don't have time to do that until after finals. Can you just give me a crib sheet so I can hang until then? - Neal (Dover, MA)

List Generated:

- ...and Bird Parker, jazz father I never had, on wings made of notes, blowing sweet heaven sounds, dream beings floating, flo-at-ing the system into a new dream all together...

- ...the winds, asking me for samples of my hair and blood type, I sit on my car hood, gazing at the moon man, asking him how it feels to have the American flag stuck in his eye...

- ...meanwhile, Dean sat in the bathtub reading The Condition of the Working Class in England‎, his fingers tearing out the pages as he exclaimed, "we never saw it coming man" Dean, Dean-o, Dean-o-rama, Deaner, Deanski...

- ...and the road is infinite, like a sideways eight that's never gonna end, dig, I took a bennie and the stars began to cough...

- ...so I Zenned up to her, staring at her cracked lips, she at mine, I made with a ciggy, and jazzed her hair with my fingertip, then whispered in her ear, you dig Bird Parker? and she jazzed...

- ...sweet Frisco, gold in your lungs and your crooked streets like derelict bones, the last chance of a country still in the womb, man I need some heroin, do you know anyone who sells heroin?

-When I first met Ballen Binsberg and Billiam B. Burroughs I knew that those cats were Jazz.

- ...and so I'm blowing smoke into the paper in the typewriter and watching it disperse when the two forces meet, I'm typing words, Beat words, I'm typing Be-at words onto the page in front of me, the typewriter is clacking, clacking and snapping like a radiant moon, jazz, stars, Zen, Beat, bennies...

IHOP Breakfast Specials

2009-01-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

As a regular patron at IHOP (yes, I claim my free breakfast every birthday!) I was wondering if you could suggest some new breakfast specials for them. I’m truly sick of the 6 they’ve had for -what seems like- forever. – Jill (Kalispell, MT)

List Generated:

-Proper Dopper Pancakes

-Flibbertigibbet’s Fl”eggs” Florentine

-Public Domain Mouseycakes!

-Ruby Snooby Saber Toothy Hamcakes & Baconaffles

-Hungry Kid’s Eggellette Basket

-Eggs-ala-Hamburger!

-For Whom The French Toasts

Men's Magazines

2009-01-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

There's so many magazines to choose from these days, I don't know which ones to read. I'm always keeping an eye out for the next Maxim or Stuff, any publications you can recommend? – Jay (Appomattox, VA)

List Generated:

-Sup Brah

-Cozmobroham

-Suit Buyer

-Muscle Gearer

-Dude Guidance

-Broficionado

-Clooney

Discount Haircuts

2009-01-26T10:51:00.000-08:00

I am currently: out of work, very broke, about to go to a job interview and have very shaggy unprofessional looking hair. Can you recommend a place to get a haircut for under $20? - Sal (Leupp, AZ)

List Generated:

-Trimskers

-Dazzle Bangs*

-Triad Cut Alliance

-Snip Station

-Bargain Slicers*

-Mane Wranglers

-SeverLocks

* - Free wash with coupon

Study Tips

2009-01-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

I just started my first semester at Penn State and I’m totally in over my head with school work! I just crammed my way through High School, but I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore. Can you give me some effective studying tips? – Darlene (University Park, PA‎)

List Generated:

-While reading, change the channel on your television to something informative.

-Set your study strobe to a relaxing 10 FPS.

-Replace the lyrics to Subterranean Homesick Blues with science facts.

-Use your time wisely; get a little extra studying done during study breaks.

-When you achieve a high mark on a paper or test, reward yourself with money.

-Shower study.

Poplular Emoticons

2009-01-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

I'm a recently divorced father trying to stay involved with my two kids. Unfortunately, my job is relocating me to a different city and the only way I'll be able to stay in touch with them is through instant messaging. Can you give me the hottest, hippest new emoticons and their meanings? I want my kids to love me! – Kyle (Pagedale, MO)

List Generated:

- }{ - All ears

- C****O – Busy playing Pacman

- &(*)^$&)(*^(*()^^@@! – Shift key is stuck

- :j – Lopsided smile with dimple

- %( - Glasses broke

- C1_0%!!! – Just got approved for a Capital One card with 0% APR for a whole year

- ==)))))) D-8 – Being chased by ribs

- :$ - Eat money

- -------8<> - Kite

- R-() – My eyes have been exposed to radiation

Niche Deodorants

2009-01-21T09:40:00.000-08:00

Every time I go to my organic pharmacy I notice all these niche deodorants in the deodorant aisle. I like my current brand fine and all, but I’m always in the market for something better. Which ones are worth their weight? – Marty (Spencer, OK)

List Generated:

-Uncle Bartlebee’s Armpit Elixir

-Perspiration Disappointer

-Noroma

-I Can’t Believe It’s Not Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex Gly Compounds

-Odor Thirster

-Farewell Damp

-Assurance

-Pit Warden

Medical Jargon

2009-01-20T10:12:00.000-08:00

I just started dating a nurse and I really like her. The only problem is, when she tells me stories about her job she has a habit of slipping into “nurse speak”. No matter how hard I try, I eventually tune out because I have no idea what she’s talking about. So for the sake of me not screwing up a good thing, can you please decode some of this medical jargon for me? – Cliff (Saint Cloud, MN)

List Generated:

-Stuccabolectomy - Surgical removal of a stucca: This patient has an engorged stucca, looks like we’ll be doing a stuccaboletomy. This is my fifth one today. I hate stuccaboletomies.

-Glover – A territorial nurse who insists on being the nurse who puts gloves on a surgeon: What do you think you’re doing Todd, everyone knows that I’m the glover. I’ve earned this.

-Swillpanda – Infant who only consumes bamboo: Poor thing, only eats bamboo, I blame the mother for his case of swillpanda.

-Claudette – Endearing nickname for the machine that converts nurse tears into electricity: If Todd tries to put gloves on a surgeon one more time, I’m gonna send him to Claudette. God knows we could use the electricity she would generate with his tears.

-Goggles – Nickname for that one janitor who wears sports goggles sometimes: Goggles!!!

-Gastrodiplocerebral – Patient has second brain in stomach: I’m envious of that gastrodiplocerbral in room 3c, if I had a second functioning brain in my stomach, I probably wouldn’t visit Claudette so often, but God knows we could use the electricity she generates with my tears.

-Hemoignite Damage – Patient’s acid blood is burning holes in the floor: Goggles! Mop up that blood before there’s more hemoignite damage!

-CPK Infection – California pizza kidney infection: I’m staaaaaarrrrving, let’s order some CPK Infection.

New President's Eve Traditions

2009-01-19T10:12:00.000-08:00

Over the years, as it's become more and more commercialized, I've stopped celebrating New President's Eve. But this year I'm genuinely excited for the holiday, and I want my kids to have fond memories to tell their children one day. So I was wondering if you could brush me up on the traditions. - Lauren (Dallas, OR)

List Generated:

-Dance around the pumpkin.*

-Reading of All the President's Men in it's entirety to the kids (ideally by a fireplace).

-The watching of CNN.

-Seed fights.

-Candy for dinner.*

-Shaving of the town's heaviest sheep.**

-Painting of your neighbor's gazebo.*

-Listening of Manheim Steamroller's 42-minute rendition of Grand Old Flag.

-Chin-up contest.**

* - Preceded by seed fight

** - Followed by seed fight

Resume Boosters

2009-01-16T11:07:00.000-08:00

Just graduated from college and it's time for me to get a job. I don't have much real world experience outside of an internship for a small ad agency; and I didn't do much there besides answer the phones and make some copies. Can you help me bolster my resume with some creatively worded achievements? - Ingrid (Kokadjo, ME)

List Generated:

-Orchestrated the duplication of parking tickets, credit reports & Maxim articles for immediate supervisor.

-Conducted requests with custodial services in order to determine them where to clean up.

-Recruited self to accurate prioritization orgnizationalizing of menu book via alphanumeric filing system.

-Completed high impact internet research multitasking.

-Knowledgeable of valuable confidential documents stored in the Berger, Tazmania & Oaker third floor safe.

-Coordinated and managed myself in the handling of incoming & outgoing voice telemessages.

-Successfully utilized microwave, toaster oven & hot plate to develop the heating of various edibles.

-Facilitated the usage of action words to provide resume with the impression of professionalism.

Unhealthy Fast Food Salads

2009-01-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

My new year's resolution this year is to lose weight. I eat a lot of fast food, but I thought I was doing OK because I've been sticking to salads. Unfortunately I've just learned that not all salads are healthy. This is totally stressing me out, can you please give me a heads up as to which salads to steer clear of. - Blane (Kennewick, WA)

List Generated:

-5-Meat Pizza Salad Grinder (Dominoes)

-Quarter Pounder With Salad* (McDonalds)

-The Colonel's Mashed n' Fried Salad Bucket (KFC)

-The Krisper (Krispy Kreme)

-Chalupa Saladilla (Taco Bell)

-Five Dollar Double Guac Bacon Westerner (Carl's Jr.)

-Oven Roasted Angus Cheesesteak Salad (Quiznos)

-The BK Clogger (Burger King)

* - Not a salad

British Names

2009-01-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

I'm an American secret agent who's about to go deep under cover in the UK. I'll be needing an authentic sounding British name if I'm going to infiltrate the highest offices of their government. Could you please suggest some potential names for my mission? - Classified (Classified, Classified)

List Generated:

-Crisp Tilbrook

-Douglas Royal Anchor

-Alec Zander Tea

-Tim Timothy Oxfordham

-Jasper Rubbish

-Sir Lord Junior III

-Rigby Manners

-Adelia Bubbles

-Tristan Wonky

Beck Lyrics

2009-01-13T13:16:00.001-08:00

I've always thought of Beck as a modern day Dylan, and when I told a friend of mine that he laughed and said that I was ridiculous. Can you generate a list of the Beck lyrics that will best convince my friend that Beck is a poetic genius. - Terry (Reform, OH)

List Generated:

-I get boogie woogie down like the speed of a bullet, talking to your mother from the side of my gullet.

-Hijack my breakfast from a diffident bird, eatin' my lunch dance while my speech is still slurred.

-You stole broken umbrellas, from my sister, keepin' tab-o-rellas on the sinister mister.

-Scu-ba diving in the oval office, I reform the kidneys like an old man novice.

-Slathering pudding in the swimming pool mansion, magician's headlights like a tan man face trance.

-A caterpillar mustache all over my body, a dollar off coupon on lobotomy haircuts.

-Cinderella, smellin' like garlic, smashin' and grabbin' at the pumpkin patch glass.

-Sandwich toppings, electric shockings, smell the alligator, it's a razor blade steroid.

Heckles

2009-01-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

Yo, me an my friends are going to a comedy club tonight. We do this like once a month or so, and they are totally great at heckling the comics. I, on the other hand, suck at it and end up feeling stupid. Can you give me a few zingers to throw these comics off their game? - Jake (Clovis, NM)

List Generated:

-I already heard you tell all these jokes last night.

-Who are you to be making fun of airline pilots?

-You stole that joke from me.

-I can see your lips moving while you make the puppet talk.

-You remind me of my friend Aaron from High School.

-I haven't seen this many bombs since I visited this one bomb factory outside of Tulsa.

-Do that super finger thing from the Dane Cook CD.

-What do you mean everyone hates hecklers?

-No they don't.

-Hecklers are why people go to see comedy dude.

-No, you're an idiot.

Home Run Calls

2009-01-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm a radio broadcaster for the minor league baseball team the Hickory Crawdads. Over the years I've studied the greats in my profession, and the one thing they have in common is they all have amazing home run calls, (i.e. Harry Carry's "Hooooollllly Cow!"). I've been trying to develop my own, but it seems like all the good ones are taken. Do you know any good ones? - Deke (Hickory, NC)

List Generated:

-Hit hard! It coullllllllddddd beeeeeeee, JURASSIC PARK!!!!!

-Belted, looks like this BATapeller just became a BALLerfly!

-Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... YESSS!

-Le sloppy american frapper la balle de toutes ses forces! Gooooaaaalll!

-Red Bull gives you wings... Goodbye!

-Ground control to major ball! See ya!

-Yackity yack! This one's back! At the wall that is, well, actually over the wall. Excuse me for trying to make a rhyme, soorrrrry.

-Is there anything more beautiful in this otherwise meaningless existence?

-*sigh*

Jam Bands

2009-01-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

I've been into jams ever since I picked up Lawn Boy in '91, but there's so many 'mazing shows out there, I don't know where to start. If you could follow a band this summer, who would it be? - Sky (Stannard, VT)

List Generated:

-Whole of Sound

-Namas Daze

-Scott Tussen Project

-Spirit Surrenderer

-Flightless Bird

-Rag Mountain Sardine Experiment

-5 Man Mandolin Wrecking Crew

-Suns of Water

-Boba

Butter Substitutes

2009-01-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

My new year's resolution was to lose weight, but I just love to put butter on things, (i.e. crackers, toast, waffles). I feel like if I can find a butter substitute that I like I could cut tons of fat out of my diet. What are your favs? - Rex (Beacon Hill, CO)

List Generated:

-Foodables All Natural Bunner

-Margilean

-"Butter"

-Spreadable Yellow Pads

-I Disagree That This Is Not Butter

-Nu'bUtTerR

-Pepsi Clear Butter

Cool Ways To Say Goodbye

2009-01-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

When my daughter was leaving the house the other day I said, "later" and she gave me that look that I used to give my dad whenever he said something hopelessly outdated. Can you update me on the newest and coolest ways of saying goodbye? - Dennis (Cold Springs, TN)

List Generated:

-Bouncies

-Dinner

-Chowbye

-Fare Thee Well

-Be Watching Your Every Move Online

-Shalomers

-Geebees

-Boose

-Peace Be With You Goopy

Freezer Foods

2009-01-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

I'm a broke student who survives mostly off of ramen noodles and bad caf food. I just got a mini fridge with a big ol' freezer cubbie in it and I'm overwhelmed by the tons of freezer foods available at the store. What should I get? - Rick (Hartland, WV)

List Generated:

-Tough Muffins

-TGIF's Calamari Poppers

-Bristles

-Soccer Kidz EZ Eggrules!!!1

-Roast Beef Miniwiches

-Mo'gurt Blasters

-Fancy Burritos

-Cheese Shramps

Jim Morrison Biographies

2008-12-27T08:22:00.000-08:00

My friends and me just recently discovered The Doors and I am waaaaaaay into these guys. I checked the movie and torrented their entire discography and I’m still hungry for more. There are literally hundreds of Jim Morrison Biographies on the market, will you narrow down the options to the best ones please? – Sammy (Wausau, WI)

List Generated:

-Lizards & Native Americans: The Jim Morrison Story

-Inside The Mind of The Lizard King

-The Boy Who Would Be King of the Lizards: Morrison’s Early Life

-The Morrison of Perception

-Kilmer on Morrison

-The Bathtub Poems: Crappy Poems Jim Morrison Wrote Just Before Faking His Death

-Girl This Couldn’t Get Much Better: An entire 658 page book dedicated to that one Ed Sullivan Show story

-Jim Morrison: Terrible Sophomoric Poetic Voice of the 60’s

Top Selling Holiday Season Toys

2008-12-25T09:31:00.001-08:00

Call me a terrible parent, but I just got my son and daughter their Christmas presents last minute yesterday. It was pretty slim pickins' at the toy store, was wondering what I may have missed out on. - Jerry (La Pine, OR)

List Generated:

-Action Squares!

-Roartholomew The Ruffian Prince: Warrior Lord, Son of King Volusomon (with axe set)

-Make-a-Futon

-Robot Friend

-Huggasquirbbles

-Monopoly: Dora The Explorer Edition

-Zamboni Fighters

-Lil' Miss Latte Maker

-Apples

Scrabble Words (With Definitions)

2008-12-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

I’m flying home for the holidays and that means I’m going to be goaded into playing at least one or two games of Scrabble against my pretentious brother and his well read wife. Just once I’d like to beat them, can you recommend some good Scrabble words and define them if it’s not too much trouble? – Judith (Fort Bragg, NC)

List Generated:

-Leeoablex – A process a peach undergoes.

-Xzxeoloo – Entomologist term for the timid way insects say hello for the first time.

-Syo – What humans will say in reverence of their mighty World King in 3009 A.A.D.

-Lyii – When 3 or more person gather around a plate of clams.

-Eeeeeeeiiiuu – What the mighty World King replies when greeted with a “Syo”.

-Vuxtab – To purposefully inject a monkey with a highly contagious end game disease.

-Kropduxt – To successfully knock down eight straight 3-pointers when no one is looking.

-Yicku – To be 90% sure of something.

Last Month’s Maxim’s Feature Articles

2008-12-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, I don’t know if this is the right place to direct my question, but I didn’t get a chance to read last month’s Maxim, would you tell me what the features were? It’s the one with Julia Louis-Dreyfus on the cover. – Talbot (Cooeville, TN)

List Generated:

-Bro Lessons: Cheat On Your Taxes!

-Beat Up A Bouncer

-Never Buy Milk Again

-Top Scuba Gear That Will Help You Pick Up Chicks

-22 Reasons Ribs Are Better Than Women

-Interview With That Hot Chick From The New KFC Commercial

-How To Trick Your Girlfriend Into Having A Threesome With Your Ex

-Be The Perfect Wing Man... and Get Some Tail

-The 3 Anton Chekhov Novellas That Will Make Any Girl Think Your Smart

-Don't Be A Dink, Buy That New Braun Electric Razor, It’s Self Cleaning

What Ducks Dream About

2008-12-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

I can't remember where, but I once read that dogs dream about running. I don’t know if this is true or not, but more importantly, can you tell me what ducks dream about? - Iggy (Pine Bluff, AR)

List Generated:

-Bread

-Hanging with the cool ducks

-Having two bills

-Having no bill*

-Electric sheep

-Swimming in a vault filled with gold coins

-Sexy ducks

-Flying for longer than 10 seconds at a time

-Time travel

-A world with no bread*

* - Nightmare

'50s Dance Crazes

2008-12-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

When I was a teenager, me and my friends would do the neatest dances. Even back then, there were so many crazes it was hard to keep up with, but now I can't seem to remember any of them. Would you be so kind as to rekindle my memory? - Monica (Java, SD)

List Generated:

-The Penicillin

-The Row Boat

-The Happy Loman

-The Walrus Flop

-The Nuclear Hop

-The Eat Red Meat Bop

-The Truman

-The Segregation

-The Atlas Shrug

-The Hate All Commies

Term Paper Notes

2008-12-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

As a TA for an undergrad class called "Intro To Term Paper Concepts" at the University of Iowa (go Hawkeyes!) I find myself constantly writing the same ineffective notes on all of my students' papers. What would you suggest I write that would compel them in the right direction on their next papers? - Tammy (Iowa City, IA)

List Generated:

-Be more aware of noun usage.

-Sweaters are lovely.

-Concisicize this paragraph.

-Make more grammar here.

-Not sure what you mean by, "creepy sweater people". What makes them "creepy"?

-Happy-up this part.

-Fragment.

-Not everyone looks fat in a sweater.

-This part better not be plagiarized, I'll be looking into this.

-I happen to think sweaters with Hawkeyes on them are cute and that wearing a sweater with your school mascot on it shows school spirit. We're not all disaffected youths you know.

-Re-write this in pen.

Names of Future NFL Quarterbacks

2008-12-17T11:15:00.000-08:00

My wife and I are expecting a baby boy any day now and we still haven't settled on a name. I want to give my son the best possible chance of growing up to be a great NFL quarterback, and that all starts with his name. Can you please help us out? - Joey (Elko, NV)

List Generated:

-Trip Macaroy

-Duke Waterfowl

-Jeffis Murdercycle

-Cole Trotsky

-Flake Seizemore*

-Steve Fluesy*

-Jeronimo Powers

-Jerry Stevey*

-Ducacus Huckabee*

-Coz Thunderbullet

-Pete Jickles*

-Trotter Dawson

-Ankle Kimberly*

* - Second String

Obscure X-Men Characters

2008-12-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

I'm a casual fan of X-Men, got into the movies first then kind of went back and discovered the comics. Mostly I stick to the issues that prominently feature the characters that I'm familiar with from the movies, are there any cool lesser known characters I'm missing out on? - Rene (Norfolk, NE)

List Generated:

-Fossil (Can sense the presence of fossils)

-Licker (Has tongues growing out of his hands)

-Wolf Irene (Just like Wolverine)

-Glassknee (Turns his own knees into glass)

-Bounce Pass (Court vision)

-Oily (Terrible skin)

-Polaroid (Sweet at math)

-Katerax (Ability to add layers to his eyes)

-Mosh (Appreciates grunge music)

-Elegant (Can wear tuxedo)

-Arby (No powers)

What To Expect When Going To World Market

2008-12-15T10:39:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend is always trying to drag me into this place World Market, but I always manage to avoid it. She keeps trying to convince me that I'm missing out and that there's a lot of cool stuff there that I would really like. What's the deal with that place, what exactly do they sell there? - Ted (Fort Wayne, IN)

List Generated:

-Wicker Neckerchiefs

-Elegantly Framed Advertisements

-Shower Chimes

-Swiss Chocolate Mustard

-Organic Firewood

-Bamboo Arrows

-Rustic Dining Pillows

-Wrought Iron Argentine Royal Peasant Benches

-Floating Toothpick Baskets

-Wine Candles

-Bottled Cheetos

Improve Left Hand Dexterity

2008-12-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

I am right handed. There is very little I can do with my left hand at all. I feel I'm missing out on a lot, and would like to improve the dexterity of what is currently little more than dead weight at the end of my left arm. What would you suggest for someone in my position? - Paul (Rockledge, FL)

List Generated:

-Start easy -- use your left hand to scrawl letters to that girl you like but are afraid to talk to.

-Squeeze cupcakes.

-Have your right thumb surgically moved to the other side of your right hand.

-Don’t skimp when hiring a hand tutor, you’ll save money down the road.

-Practice throwing apples to monkeys with your left hand, then do it for real.

-When picking out a new left hand, give the fingers a good shake. If the hand is good, the fingers should be pliable and very few will fall off.

-Shoot footage of left-handers at the grocery store going about their routine. If they catch you, drop some cans of soup and walk away.

-If you have extra disposable income, get a doctor to imprint you with a lifetime of left-hand knowledge by jabbing a syringe into your brain filled with memory fluid (like at the end of Dark City).

-Leftersize.

Brian Dennehy Straight To DVD

2008-12-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

Recently I was browsing the racks at my local video store and came across a plethora of Brian Dennehy films I had never heard of before, (apparently these never got theatrical release). I'm a huge Dennehy fan, and plan on watching them all at some point, but I was hoping you could recommend which ones I should start with. - Joseph (New Port Richey, FL)

List Generated:

-Special Effects 3

-Hoop Shots

-Mr. Slam Dunk

-Brian Dennehy's Basketball Lessons For Huskies (Volumes 1-14)

-The Red Patent Leather Jacket

-World's Fair 78,893 A.D.

-False Cop

-Fatstronaut

-See If Dennehy's Available: The Brian Dennehy Story

-Grumpy Claus

Tips For Dealing With Cold Ketchup

2008-12-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

I just got back from Burger King and noticed they didn't put any ketchup in the bag and I love to dip my fries in ketchup before I eat them. I have some ketchup in my fridge, but I hate putting cold ketchup on hot food. Any suggestions? - Ben (Milford, MA)

List Generated:

-Let sit until ketchup reaches room temperature.

-Force ketchup into conditions of extreme stress, then be kind to it, repeat process until getting the information desired.

-Microwave ketchup for forty minutes.

-Pretend to leave the room, then turn around quickly and yell "Ha" at maximum decibels permitted by landlord.

-Laugh at it's jokes whether you find them funny or not.

-Play some Al Green, earlier stuff.

-Use mustard, ranch and/or mayo to induce jealousy.

-Challenge it to a pull-ups contest, even if you lose, the ketchup will probably be warm.

-Eat ribs instead.